Armageddon

This weekend has been awesome! I met Katie Leung from Harry Potter, got to throw a a axe, shoot a bow and arrow and fire a gun.  

It just came to my realisation that even though I don’t cut my arm anymore I still have the addiction of cutting. Although I no longer cut my arm I now cut something else which I shouldn’t cut which is now my hair.

I really don’t know what to do about it.

Tattoo

Got my third tattoo today, I got a cross on my left wrist next to my semi colon which I got fixed up (the dot got half scratched off).

I got it in the same place I use to cut as a reminder that God has a plan for me in life and God never gives you a challenge you can’t handle.

I’m eight months clean of cutting and it has been very hard not to cut as I’ve been writing out poetry instead and doing the writing challenges everyone sees on here.

Can’t wait for Armageddon next weekend, I’m no longer meeting Pearl Mackie and getting her photo and autograph due to schedule conflict but I’m still meeting Katie Leung and getting a photo and autograph from her. 

Name

Enthusiastic 

Marvellous 

Mischievous 

Ambitious 

Lonely 

Outgoing 

Understanding 

Iconic

Sensitive 

Energetic 

Sarcastic

Idyllic 

Needy

Creative

Laughable 

Adventurous 

Illusive

Radiant

Ravaged

Eager

Youthful

Nervy

Illustrative

Secretive

Healing

Handle With Care

“Your words are like shattered glass across my skin” 

I once wrote out in a song

The human mind is a delicate thing that should always be handled with care

You never know what someone is going through or how mean someone is to themselves 

The amount of pain, physical or emotional can’t be compared amongst others as in their own way everyone is unique 

Handle yourself with care,

Eat well, exercise, see the positive and do something that makes you happy.

Binge watch your favourite shows, eat lots of junk food and laze around all day, do what makes you happy.

Refreshed

The last time I felt refreshed was when I realised I was fully capable of not cutting. 

Some people wouldn’t see that as a form of feeling ‘refreshed’ but for me it gave the feeling of being refreshed. 

Just the simple realisation that I am stronger than I think I am.

Although I was obviously already stronger than I thought I was but I didn’t believe it before. 

How this is refreshing for me is it proves I am not a complete failure. 

I feel like I pretty much fail at everything in life and the reminder of me not failing at keeping myself alive is surprisingly quite refreshing. 

One day hopefully I won’t feel this way but today is not that day.

Darkness

Ever since I was little I have been scared of the dark.

While going to the toilet at night I turned on every light on the way there and ran from the dark dining room in our old house to my room.

I would then have to leap onto my bed.

I was always certain there was something under the bed waiting to grab me.

Later years I worked out it was fear of the unknown not the dark.

You never know what’s hidden in the dark lurking in the shadows just waiting for when your back is turned.

That’s what I told myself anyway.

The old house was also haunted which didn’t help.

At night doors use to open by themselves and I always heard voices. 

To beat my fear of the dark I use to play a game, while your eyes were open no one could get you cause you could see them coming.

So when I was very scared in the dark I would play dead.

I would lay there frozen not moving til I fell asleep often singing in my head “99 bottles of pop on the wall”, I never made it to 80.

I’m a lot better now although I still get a big fright at night if the caravan suddenly rocks from either the wind or the cat. 

Because there is no emptiness under my bed I don’t jump or take a big step quickly into bed. 

Alarm Clock

Sometimes it’s so hard 

Just to get up in the morning 

To convince yourself it’s worth it

That simply waking up is a miracle 

The earlier you awake sometimes 

The more you achieve 

Other times it’s too cold

Especially with a comfortable bed

Having someone who needs you

Helps a lot in a way

Sometimes you regret that you woke up at all

And you could happily sleep for hours

Whenever I think about sleeping though

One quote always comes to mind

A story of a small bird

And a golden statue

“Death is the brother of sleep don’t you know?”

For someone who often thinks about dying 

That wuote hit me hard

E. Louise (c) 26/09/2018

Magazine

Really started working on my magazine I thought of creating quite a while ago, will take hard work and research but worth it in the end. Mainly focusing on the biggest fandoms in music at the moment, can’t wait to see how successful it could get, or not get 🤷🏼‍♀️. 

May be getting work again which is awesome, can’t wait to get back to working and earning money. Especially with the amount of things I have instore before Christmas this year, meeting Katie Leung and Pearl Mackie at Armageddon and possibly getting a tattoo there, Seeing Taylor Swift live again, going down to Blenhiem over Christmas and meeting my baby nephew 😍 can’t wait! 

Hope you all have something in life to look forward to as well, I know that sometimes (for some of us) it’s really hard to find something positive in life to live towards and I hope you have something positive and exciting happening in your life too. 

Photograph

I found a photograph of my parents before I was born having Christmas lunch at my grandparents farm. 

It made me stop and wonder what it could have been like if my parents never divorced, if they actually worked out. 

Would I have more direct siblings who I would have grown up with?

In thinking this though it would mean I wouldn’t have the family I have now, I have two older step sisters and two younger half sisters who I wouldn’t have in my life if my parents had worked out. 

I don’t think it would be worth losing losing them for that one wish of “what if”. I have also gained the “Auntie” status from one of my big sisters who I’d lose, one niece and one nephew. I wouldn’t lose the Auntie status if my parents had stayed together as my big brother has a son; but I would still lose five - seven people in my life not including my gained grandparents,aunts, uncles and cousins. 

But that photograph did make me stop and wonder, two people in the photo are now dead, my grandmother from my dads side and my grandfather from my mums side.

I guess their divorce in a way was one of the best things to happen to me as I gained a whole family who just happily accepted me.

Holding Hands

The first time I ever held someone’s hand was when I was a toddler.

Because I was hearing impaired Mum and I had a code that it was safe to cross the road by squeezing my hand twice. This was mainly for crossings that didn’t have the lights at the traffic lights and some pedestrian crossings. This helped keep me safe.

The first time I held someone’s hand in a relationship I found it strange. I wasn’t use to people wanting to hold my hand and often kept to myself. He use to like looking at my hands and examining them which I use to find odd and funny.

The other four boyfriends I’ve had have never held my hand.

The only time I’ve really held someone’s hand is crossing the road with my younger sisters till they were older and family friends kids while they crossed the road.

Tear Jerker

He lost his life for you

And you don’t even care

I know you lost your daughter 

And there’s no way of knowing she’s alive

But he lost his life for you 

“Baymax Destroy” he demands in hurt and anger

His life had been wasted

And he showed no compassion 

Hurt and anger lead to vengeance 

Your brother would not want Baymax to do this

“Someone has to help” became your motto

As you discovered Callinghans daughter 

You were doing your best to save their lives

Baymax did his duty

With destroyer mode on

He loves you and will protect you

As Big Hero 6 lives on. 

(c) E. Louise 23/9/2018

Sunrise/sunset

You stayed up late last night

Crying in your sleep

Clinging your sore arm to you

All the pain in the chest hadn’t quite gone to the arm

The truth came out at last

And ripped your heart in two

You convince yourself you won’t make it through the night

You tried to end it all

You half hoped someone would notice

You half hoped someone would know

You tell no one and just wish the pain would kill you

It’s pitch black outside

You have no idea what the time is

You hoped the pain would distract you

But it’s still all in your head

Memories and repeated thoughts 

Rush on and on inside

You want it to be all over and just hide

A bright light alerts you

It’s the beginning of a brand new day

You hold on to the thought forever

“You can make it to another day”

The sunrise is beautiful it promises beginnings

But then you remember 

Sunsets are beautiful too

Which just proves some endings are worth it

E. Louise (c) 19/9/18

Writing Challenge - Just Say No

I have a lot of trouble telling people “No”.

I always feel I’ll get yelled at or upset people if I say “No”. 

I avoid asking people out so I don’t have to hear them say “No”.

I don’t take rejection well, nor do I like giving people rejections.

Only in the recent few years I’ve really started saying “no” to people. 

Especially ex boyfriends (one in particular) who constantly kept thinking it was okay to do the same things with me while I was with another guy as if we were together ourselves. 

Some guys understanding of the word “No” has completely put me off dating them for awhile now. 

Especially after a recent encounter where a guy saw I was single and automatically wanted pictures of me, after I said “No” however I got called a “bitch”.

Thankfully since we have a “Beware of Dog” sign on our gate we don’t have door knockers trying to sell us things. Before we got Millie after Coco passed away people from donation places and Jahovah Witness use to knock on the door all the time and I found it hard to turn them away. 

Most door knockers I just say the home owners aren’t home and they come back later only to be told to go away by my dad. 

I guess I just need to start being more brave.

Writing Challenge - The Stars

It’s so peaceful just lying there starring up at the sky.

The crickets chirp and the owl hoots but you feel so alone.

It’s a happy alone though, it’s the type of alone where you’re thinking of your hopes and dreams.

Where you’re wondering if there’s other life out there.

You’re watching out for comets and shooting stars and watching the international space station zoom by.

You’re watching out for horoscopes and naming them.

You’re watching the moon slowly drift across the sky as the earth and moon slowly turn.

You’re counting all the planets you think you can see.

The further you go from the lights of the city, the more you see in the sky.

They are always there of course just harder to see.

Except the sun of course, the easiest star to see at day, still reflected back at us at night by the light of the moon.

It’s so peaceful out here, so cold but peaceful.

Writing Challenge - Light Switch

My coming out of the dark and into the light is funny enough my “coming out” story.

I’m not 100% sure what to identify myself as. I have been labelled three things in the past two years and I’m still working it out.

I didn’t start to realise I liked girls until I was in High School. I questioned it but didn’t fully grasp it as I was uncertain of what the feeling was. 

When I was with my British boyfriend for two years he labelled me as bi-curious, as I was curious and uncertain.

I labelled myself last year as bisexual as I have a strong desire towards both girls and boys.

While explaining to people not long ago though that I have liked a transgender and pretty much don’t care what they identify themselves as to a point; as if I like them then I like them no matter what their identification of gender is.

That’s when I was introduced to Pansexual.

I’m discovering myself everyday so hopefully soon I’ll have a better understanding of myself.

Or I’ll just have a interesting life of discovering something new about me everyday.

Writing Challenge - Mirror Mirror

If I looked in the mirror what would it say?

Would it echo my nightmares and repeat my inner thoughts?

Will it join my demons and laugh at my tears?

Will it show all my flaws I try so hard to hide?

Will it highlight the scars and all the wounds others can’t see?

Will it read all my feelings my arms use to bleed?

Or will it surprise me and show this beautiful human, the one some learnt to love and throw aside?

The girl strong enough to not let her faults make her crumble no matter how many times she felt like ending it all.

Will it show the smile on the face and the pain in the eyes that no matter she seems to never hide?

Will it show the laughter and the tears falling down sometimes in pain with a small hidden frown?

All that I know when I stand in front of the mirror,

Is it shows me to myself the way I see myself.

There’s no love in the eyes as they fall upon me for my love I have isn’t for me.

E. Louise (c)  13/9/2018

Life

I’ve been doing a lot of writing challenges lately to help work on my creative writing as well as having a safer method to deal with my hurt and anger at a lot of things in life at the moment. 

I’m hoping some day it will all get better especially with how things are in my mind.

Nearly finished the Harry Potter series which I hadn’t fully read all in a row since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out. I purposely decided to do that as some small things that are funny and aren’t in the films (which is sadly quite a lot - Peeves/Kretcher) so even though I have read it all before and know what happens there’s still the little connections that still make it almost like reading it for the first time.

Started watching 12 Monkeys from 2016 on Netflix, I have seen the original film so I know technology where the story should lead but they of course always add new little twists to the story seeing as it’s a redo and a tv show. 

It’s been two years since one of my favourite trips to Gold Coast, Australia this week as it’s my best friends birthday. Definitely never going to forget what it was like swimming with a dolphin and getting a photo with one. 

In saying that I do not believe that animals should be held in captivity but it does open up a lot of opportunities for people and help most of the endangered species. 

Writing Challenge - Insult

The people in my life who insult me the most are those closest to me. 

Most of the insults thrown my way are all to do with my weight. 

A family friend once waited until I had purchased bacon and eggs as I was carrying them to the car told me bacon and eggs makes me fat so I most definitely don’t need them.

My mother often takes one look at what I’m wearing and comments on how it makes me look, which has now lead me to change my clothes around three times before going out.

My current ex boyfriend told me he was too embarrassed to be seen with me because I’m overweight. 

My worst critic is my mother though.

After raving to friends and family about how some of my dishes taste she will tell me I can’t cook.

After telling friends and family they’re proud of what I’m achieving with the Bachelor of Teaching I was doing, they forgot that they’re the ones who told me being a Journalist will get me no where in life. 

One of the things my recent ex said to me by judgment of assumption is that I lack potential to do well in life. 

The blow of that only affects me so badly because of everything doctors have said in my life to me judging on my disabilities.

Every time I go on any dating site I get insulted by a guy. 

They seem to think that if you’re a girl and are single they have every right to get a picture straight away and some demand it from you by calling you a bitch. 

Or they send a picture of their dick and automatically expect you to send them a picture in return. 

I get insulted by having a guy have a go at me for “falsely leading him on” by saying “hi” and being polite. Apparently being polite on dating sites now means you want to open your legs. 

My biggest insult was being cheated on and then the guy expecting me to love them as if nothing happened.

Writing Challenge - The Sound of Silence

Being silent in my case is a very dangerous thing to do. 99% of the time when I am silent my mind is the loudest it can get. 

Nothing positive is going through my mind. 

It is a constant battle not to cut my arm and not to listen to the voices in my head convincing me it’s worth the cut. That no one will notice, that no one cares. 

Complete silence once almost killed me.

I purposely hid myself away,  and let the voices and emotions take over.

I had the knife at the ready to end it all.

But I had forgotten to turn my phone off, it had lit up and caught my attention. 

Luckily it was my step dad asking if I was okay. Thinking it was my sister using my step dads phone (as he used emojis) I said the truth about how sad I was. 

They told me to come here straight away. 

If I had turned my phone off what would have stopped me? Was God watching and decided that wasn’t my time no matter what? If that was the case I wonder what would have happened?

I can’t even sit in silence for long without thinking about moments in my past that either make me want to cut or anger me. It’s like I just automatically think about the negative everytime it’s too quiet. 

Even listening to music doesn’t always do it unfortunately.

I miss the days when sitting in silence was happy imagination of my stories I had thought of.

I guess maybe that’s the real reason I decided to start writing again, it’s a healthy escape from the bad and dark thoughts that convince me it’s worth killing myself. 

Thank goodness I wrote down all my story ideas in a book cause if I hadn’t I would have forgotten them all by now. 

I have particular favourites of course, my favourite and original one I’m writing I’m hoping to turn into other a trilogy and maybe a tv show but we will see.

Would be a great distraction from all my suicidal thoughts though, if only my mum and step dad supported this dream of mine. 

Writing Challenge - What You Don’t Know

I’ve kept a lot of secrets for people from people. 

Some of them people have trusted with me, some I have accidentally came across and had to promise to keep secret. Some secrets are quite hard to keep, especially when they’re from people you tell mostly everything to. Some secrets I keep for people could get myself and those involved in trouble, from other people and the law. 

I keep secrets to myself that I tell no one, even the people I tell mostly everything to. Some of them it’s because it’s too embarrassing to share and some I’m ashamed of. 

People don’t really need to know all of my secrets.

Writing Challenge - Coffee and Tea

I often have a cup of tea when I get up in the morning and often also before I go to bed. My favourite way to have a cup of tea is with a tea bag, a spoonful of sugar (depending on how strong it is) and a bit of milk with hot water of course. 

In the cold winter morning tea helps warm up the whole body. 

I was first introduced to tea when I was 8/9 years old while on a holiday. The lady who made it for me made it with half milk and half hot water so it wasn’t too hot. I can’t remember if sugar was added then o if it was added years later. 

I’ve never been a big fan of coffee. I’ve tried a few different types of coffee but I just don’t like the taste. 

While at Cafes however I don’t usually have a cup of tea as it’s often too strong and doesn’t have enough sugar to provide. 

Therefore I have a hot chocolate.

Always love the foam on top and the marshmallows that come with it. 

Unfortunately over the years, if I drink too much hot chocolate I get sick, I also get indigestion from drinking too much tea.

A Letter To You

You didn’t have to do it you know and say those things to me.

I’ve loved you for five years and till I don’t know when.

When I first met you, you blew me away.

I don’t know why but you’re it.

I’ve never felt this way with anyone else,

Some I wanted to keep cause they were just so great in bed.

One I thought was my future, literally my everything. 

He broke me in what I thought was the worse way possible.

You though, you remind me of everything I hate about me.

I’ve been depressed and anxious for many years now and my physical environments show it.

It’s one of the main things I hate about myself.

The main thing though that I mainly hate you were so happy to point out to me.

I’ve struggled with losing weight for years.

I’ve done diets, I’ve done exercise, I have even starved myself at a time of my life where I almost really killed myself.

The literate thing that stopped me was one text message.

I hate looking at my full body in the mirror.

I hate living with the voices in my head.

For ten years I have been so strong and managed not to kill myself.

I’ve gone eight months without cutting and giving into my thoughts of wanting to. 

The past few weeks since you mentioned it to me have made the voices stronger.

It made the self hate stronger.

I’ve been strong for ten years but I don’t know if I can for ten more.

I remind myself of the future I want.

For now it only just keeps my going.

I purposely set things up in the future for me to live towards.

Sometimes it’s a concert, sometimes it’s a trip and others it’s a album or a form of event.

That’s how I keep going.

I guess my only real fear is if the joy of the future of attending a trip, concert or even getting a album or book or even seeing a movie goes then what do I have?

I know that sounds selfish, especially since the obvious answer being family and friends.

But when I’m feeling like this I manage to convince myself that no one actually cares. 

That they won’t miss me.

That everyone secretly hates me or is sick of me being around. 

I know that on the outside I seem happy.

But right now, I battle with suicidal thoughts all day, almost everyday.

Someday hopefully I won’t have to.

Someday hopefully they’ll be gone permanently and I’ll still be me.

Someday hopefully someone will love me including all the parts of me I hate so much.

Maybe someday I’ll love everything I hate about me now.

Hopefully I actually have a future.

I’ll keep fighting it, I just don’t know how long for.

E. Louise (c) 1/9/2018

Writing Challenge - Jewellery

The famous line “diamonds are a girls best friend” I didn’t fully appreciate until I got my first jewellery. 

I love my jewellery, I never seem to have enough.

I have so many necklaces it would take hours just to count them.

I have around six to eight rings which I barely ever wear. Two are special as one was my dads and the other from my grandparents.

I have lots of earrings, some I barely take out as I become a collector of many and now have eight piercings (four in each ear). 

I have quite a few bracelets, some I hold dearer than others.

I’ve got special necklaces from my family, and two bracelets that are extra special to me. 

One of my bracelets is my original charm bracelet from when I was a baby. The other is my pandora bracelet as most of the charms are from my grandparents.

I have a special necklace full of memories as each charm is from a theme park from Gold Coast Australia.

I cherish all my jewellery and seem to never have enough. 

Writing Challenge - Rewrite a Poem

The Look 

Sara Teasdale

Strephon kisses me in the spring,

Robin in the fall,

But Colin only looked at me

And never kissed at all.

Strephon’s kiss was lost in jest,

Robin’s lost in play,

But the kiss in Colin’s eyes

Still haunts me night and day.

Sandy showed me love,

Shamim caught me when I fell,

Sam never fully loved me,

In a way that fitted well.

Sandy’s love grew old,

Just another tale to be told,

Shamim gave his away,

To another girl one day,

But Sam’s love I still yearn,

And will forever always miss.

Writing Challenge - Good Vibes

What makes me happy?

Listening to music makes me happy 

Colouring makes me happy 

Reading a good book makes me happy 

Writing makes me happy 

Knitting makes me happy 

Watching my favourite movie or tv show makes me happy 

Spending time with my friends and family makes me happy 

Going to a amusement park makes me happy 

Watching funny videos makes me happy 

Making people laugh makes me happy 

Seeing people happy makes me happy 

Watching mothers, fathers, sons and daughters return home after being away and seeing their children and pets reaction makes me happy 

Concerts of my favourite musicians make me happy 

Traveling makes me happy 

Looking through family photos of trips make me happy

Being out in nature makes me happy

Getting merchandise from Taylor Swift and Harry Potter makes me happy Ϟ ❾¾ ⚯͛ △⃒⃘ 

Stationary and blank notebooks makes me happy 

Old tv shows and movies from my childhood make me happy

Accomplishing my dreams makes me happy 

Sleeping makes me happy 

Being warm and cozy when it’s cold makes me happy 

Being nice and cool when it’s hot makes me happy 

Exploring new places makes me happy 

Baby animals make me happy 

Seeing friends and family members accomplish their dreams make me happy 

Writing Challenge - Closed Door

Everyday it was shut, what was behind it? The “No Tresspassing” sign just made the curiousity grow stronger. 

What secret was this door hiding? What didn’t it want people to see?

No one patrols this door nor stands guard, as if they were just waiting for someone to enter it. 

No one ever leaves the door either, was there another door on the other side?

Curiosity gets the better of me.

I walk cautiously towards the door and turn the handle.

The door opens easily, I step into the room I’ve been dying to see.

There’s a sudden rush from my side, I turn and everything goes black. 

Writing Challenge - Fear

I’m scared of a lot of things.

I am scared of the dark, death, loud noises, being alone, corners, mazes, staircases, spiders, bugs and insects with too many legs. I am scared of mannequins, realistic paintings of people, heights, deep water, abandoned places, long hallways, closed doors and mirrors. 

Most of those fears are connected to the fear of the unknown. The fear of the unknown fears include: the dark, corners, mazes, staircases, deep water, long hallways and mirrors; especially if that mirror is on a cupboard door. I’m a easy person to scare, especially with my slight blindness and deafness to the joy of those who like to scare me. 

Writing Challenge - Dread

I dread doing many things...

I dread doing the dishes because I hate doing them

I dread having to clean and organise

I dread facing what my future has to offer after the many bad decisions I have made

I dread opening my heart to people

I dread allowing some people into my life

I dread not following my dreams when I had the chance

I dread letting people get the best of me when it came to making decisions 

I dread going to bed at night where my thoughts consume me

I dread waking up the next day as I lose my peace of mind

I dread having to face the world in the morning

Sometimes sadly I dread the fact that I am alive to the point that sometimes finding a reason to be around isn’t good enough.

Writing Challenge - Foreclosure

People can be lost in many different ways

The way I feel lost is where I see myself 

Especially in life

I’m lost because I don’t know what to do 

I’m lost because I feel I can’t trust 

I’m lost because I feel unlovable 

I’m lost because I thought I knew what I was doing

I thought I knew what I wanted in life

But I don’t have a clue

I am so lost in this world 

I am still trying to find myself 

I am so lost sometimes I don’t know what to write

I wonder when I will love again

I seem to have lost that as well

My trust was lost long ago

I don’t know who to turn to

Maybe someday I’ll let someone in

And we will piece together like a jigsaw 

But for now it seems I have my chance

To find my missing pieces

I dropped them in this maze of life

Someone may bring them back

But if that day never comes

Then I guess my friend I’m stuck.

E. Louise (c). 9/8/2018

Writing Challenge - Great Minds

There are two people in this world who I admire very much. One is my mother and the other is Taylor Swift. One brought me up and of course has known me all my life, the other I have never met but has impacted my life an awful lot since 2006.

My mum inspires me in so many different ways. When I was not quite a year old my father and her divorced and mum raised me for some time on her own. But the strength in my mum I admire didn't start there, it started at my birth. I needed an emergency C-Section as I was unresponsive. Luckily I survived but later that night disaster struck again. I had a stroke that affected my life forever, well for the rest of my life at least.
I came out of it with hearing problems, visual problems, smelling problems and walking problems. All through it my mum fought for me. She fought the education system who said I was too disabled to do some things but not disabled enough for funding's. Mum also had my Step Dad who found my hearing problems; my visual problems weren't found until I was 17. An optometrist found it although I had been seeing one for glasses since I was 12. Mum has fought for me all my life, especially when I was depressed. She hasn't always been supportive with my career choices though. I wanted to be a Journalist but they said it would get me nowhere in life and encouraged me to be a teacher instead.

 Since 2006 a constant lyric genius and role model has been in my life, I am talking about Taylor Swift of course. In 2006 when I was first introduced to Taylor and fell in love with her song writing I didn't call myself a Swiftie as such yet. I loved four main girls in that era including Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus. I love Selena and Demi more than Miley but Taylor is my main celebrity I look up to. Taylor started writing songs when she was young and in high school and leant to play guitar. Taylor is the main reason I started to learn to play guitar and started using story telling in my song writing.
Taylor's song Tied Together With A Smile spoke to me personally as it described exactly how I was feeling. Fifteen came out as a single when I was around fifteen. Never Grow Up made me appreciate where I grew up and my family more. The Best Day made me think of my mum and how much she has done for me as I have grown up. Innocent helped me understand that no matter how many mistakes you make in life it's never too late to be brand new. Clean helped me become clean from cutting, it also helped me get over some of my relationships. Shake It Off taught me not to be afraid to dance even if people are watching. Delicate helped me be brave enough to make the first move. There are so many other songs including Taylor's love and break up songs that have helped me cry myself to sleep at night, not be afraid to fall in love again, speak up when things feel wrong in a relationship and to let the pain be poured onto a piece of paper and of course my guitar.

Taylor inspires me by the amount of hate and pain she's been through and she's  still nice, giving and so kind to her fans and mostly everyone around her. Taylor is one of the most charitable celebrities out there and does amazing things for her fans. Taylor sends gifts, bakes for them, invites them to her house, shows u to their house and does free meet and greets every night while on tour when she's exhausted.
Taylor doesn't deserve all the hate she gets, the media and haters just love to destroy her for no reason. When the Kimye incident happened I was devastated. The only Swifties in my life who were by my side fighting back and defending her the ones on Twitter, Instagram and some on Tumblr. Everyone here at home in my family and their friends laughed at me and told me she's not a role model anymore cause she's a liar.
They weren't there from the start, they weren't there at the concerts she was bringing joy to. They didn't hear the speeches at the tours, they didn't know about her charity spends, they didn't know what she did for fans. All they believed was she's a liar.

I was more upset that Taylor thought that all of us Swifties would leave her. Some did, thankfully they were some of the ones who only became a 'Swiftie' to get noticed (and got noticed) left.
I was afraid that Taylor had been alone in the dark and was never coming back and was so grateful when she did come back.
I admire Taylor more for the comeback and how she fuelled all the hate she got into a album. I admire her more so for standing up to a sexual assault and took them to court and won. Taylor is such a strong human being and deserves all the love and success she is getting.
I promise I'll stand by you forever. 

Writing Challenge - Cleaning

I really do hate cleaning
for proof just see my room
I do love to be organised though
it's just the lack of motivation
it doesn't trigger me as it use to
although I do still feel ashamed
there's people in my life who don't judge me
then there's those who shame me
my life is no where near organised
it's a lot like my room
I'm not happy nor depressed
I'm just very lonely I am told
that's why I turn to writing
that's why I turn to reading
I could always turn to cleaning but
where's the fun in that?
one day I will be better
the today me won't exist
at least not the me I will never miss
I need to fight these demons
they never seem to leave
one day I will get there
just you wait and see

E. Louise (c) 3/08/2018 

Writing Challenge - Addict

The first time is sudden and sharp

A burn before the sting

The sudden intake of breath 

Red cleats across the skin 

It distracts me from my troubles 

I’m no longer feeling angry

The shame hits hard

I regret my disicion 

Sickness overwhelms me

I shouldn’t do it anymore 

I remember why I did it

Anger flashes once more

The knife flashes as it slices my skin

Three more quick times

I’m punishing myself for failing

I’m punishing myself for thinking that way

I’m punishing myself for being me

Tears start to fall as the red shines bright

The stinging and burning overwhelms me

I hide the evidence everyday 

Trying to hide my shame

Hiding it from others amd hiding it from myself 

I often sit there staring at it

As my thoughts tell me I’m not wanted

The scars mock me telling me I deserve it

It’s been seven months now

I can’t let them get me

E.Louise (c) 3/8/2018

Caravan

Haven't been here for while thanks to my laptop not being my friend. I might finally be moving into my caravan next week, it just depends on when the electrician shows up to connect it to the house.

After this month I'll be six months clean of cutting which I am so proud of with myself, I still have problems with self abuse in other ways that's not cutting though unfortunately.

I'm still a little bit sad about the break up but am grateful I now have the opportunity to focus on myself which is a little ironic as I've been told I may be pre-diabetic.

In two days I may have the opportunity to get tickets to get a photo with a fellow Ravenclaw 'Katie Leung' Cho Chang, even though she's not my favourite Ravenclaw as that's Luna Lovegood but it would still be awesome.

I've gotten right into the series of Miss Peregrine's Peculiar Children and love the character of Emma Bloom. I was encouraged to read them when I saw a angry comment from a fan on the series about Emma and Olive's powers being switched around in the film and that Emma is highly independent and just awesome. I was encouraged more of course cause my name is Emma and I was named after a highly independent strong character. This Emma was of course from the original TV Show 'The Edge of Darkness', there is a movie adaption to it starring Mel Gibson which is pretty cool.

My birthday is pretty much in exactly a month, I'll be 25. I still have no idea what I want to do yet but I have an idea kinda.

Anywho, hope all is well where ever you are.    

Budgies

We use to have four but now we have six birds at home. In the second picture in order we have in the bottom left is Banana, from left to right above her we have: Blueberry, Storm, Skye, Icicle and Sapphire.

Writing Challenge - Greeting

“Hello” I said so shyly

I was so nervous that day

I didn’t know what I wanted to say to you

But I just wanted to know you better

I don’t usually make the first move

I’m usually too scared

I’m afraid of being rejected and pushed away

I took a risk but half regret it now

I got what I wanted

A second chance with you

I knew it would end in tears

I was broken and just wanted to be happy

Now I have a chance to find myself 

Find out more about me

What do I really love to do?

What hobbies do I love or want to learn?

Am I Bisexual or actually Pansexual?

Should I study again or work?

There are so many opportunities that are out there

I just need to be brave enough to seek them.

E. Louise (c) 2/7/2018

Writing Challenge - Friendship

Friendship is a  big thing for me, I apparently hand the other have a lot of friends although I only have  a few close friends.
I have three best friends; one I've known for around thirteen years , one I've known for around four and a half years and the other for five years.
All three of them are like my siblings, two of us are like sisters and one is a bit more than a brother. What I love about my best friends is each one of them I have a unique friendship with.
The one I've known for thirteen years is more like my sister than any other, she knows so  much about me. Our friendship is interesting, we have a lot of common interests and have common difficulties in different aspects in our lives.
We also have that type of friendship where if/when we get into a fight or argument we often get along again like nothing happened either a few days, weeks or months later depending on the argument.
We even in a way wrote a book together, she's the only one I can talk to about the book too which is great because sometimes talking the ideas out and coming up with new things is quite fun. Often we are in fits of laughter because we're saying jokes and half making fun of the book characters.
My best friend I've known for known for four and a half years is different yet again.
We get I like a house on fire and pretty much never argue. We even went on a holiday together for 10 days and had a absolute  blast.
She's one of those friends who you can complain about things in your life that annoy you and she does the same with me.
We're also often laughing as I'm often making her laugh with my puns and dry jokes.
My third best friend who happens to be a guy I've been friends with for five years. He is my only long distance best friend who I can be my full self with.
The reason I say he is more than a brother and best friend is because of course we fell in love.
We were in a relationship for over a year, I literally pictured my whole life with him, children, marriage and even old age. With my Borderline Personality Disorder I sometimes have outbursts and hurt people when I don' t mean to. This guy I usually take it all out on, I of course don't mean to but he takes it and keeps coming back to me even when I say "I hate you" because he knows I don't mean it.
We use to argue everyday especially after we broke up and towards the end of the relationship, luckily we were able to remain best friends.
I don't what I would do without any of them in my life.

Writing Challenge - Animals

I thought I’d spend the animals writing challenge talking about my pets. I have just over ten pets at home; a dog called Millie, a cat called Jasper, two guinea pigs called Coco and Star, a Australian bearded dragon called Diablo, four chickens called Amethyst, Crystal, Ruby and Pingpong; we also have lots of fish. Millie our dog is a Shih Zhu+poodle/Maltese+Sydney silkie who is only a year old, she’s adorable and naughty and follows me around everywhere. Jasper is part Persian and is basically a big ball of fluff. He is also quite lazy sometimes as he will request the door to be opened for him although there’s a cat flap for both him and Millie; Jasper also gives the best hugs.
We use to have five guinea pigs called Coco, Star, Ash, Blackie and Shadow.
Now we only have Coco and Star our two girls left as the other three died of old age. Guinea pigs are great, we love putting them in a small tub of water that's just deep enough for them to swim in during the summer as it gets quite hot for them.
Our Australian Bearded Dragon we got from a friend, he's really cool and can surprisingly run really fast. We use to have six chickens but now we have four, they use to get out and raid our vegetable garden as well as the neighbours gardens. One of them lays green eggs which is cool.
We also have quite a lot of fish, we've converted a bath into a fish pond which is full of gold fish, I also have around thirteen Guppies in my tropical fish tank.

Writing challenge - Dream Catcher

I was flying through a long hallway full of doors. It’s dark, I recognise my old house. 

There use to be a short hallway that lead from the front door to the kitchen, on the way through the hallway you pass the first bedroom and the lounge. 

This dream seemed to forget that ...

It was just a long dark hallway full of doors, behind each door was a nightmare. This was before I had watched the Dr Who episode where Amy, Rory and the Dr are in some prison ship where their door is their worse fear. 

Another nightmare I’ve had which was located at my old house was I had lost a battle similar to the stick battle in Whale Rider and I got taken away through a jungle that appeared outside my back door. 

I remember when I was a teenager after going to Los Angeles and Gold Coast with my grandparents I had multiple dreams that all took place in this type of park that was like a combination of all the theme parks I went to in Australia and America. 

You’d think since I had happy memories in both of these places at the time that I would have happy dreams of them, but I was wrong.

A log flume roller coaster ride broke down while being chased by lions and crocodiles. I fell to my death in another dream on a different coaster, that coaster was quite cool in a happier dream though; it was so tall you could see th whole park. 

I remember there being a type of mirror maze type of room similar to the mirror maze at MOTAT here in Auckland. I remember going there as a kid and feeling this type of fear when I was there thanks to the fact that I’m scared of corners and mirrors because you don’t know what’s around the corner and people could just appear behind you in mirrors which of course happened in my nightmares.

I remember another dream I had which was located at a camp ground which seemed to be in the waitakere ranges somewhere here in Auckland. It had high ropes and cabins and was always quite dark even during the day in the dreams. The camp was of course haunted. 

I remember the nightmare that made me afraid of heights. 

I use to fly in my dreams, that was and still is a ambition of mine. 

There were tornadoes everywhere, I leapt off a tall building to get to somewhere where everyone was gathered but instead of flying I fell. I remember waking up shaking thinking I had just died. 

I use to be completely fearless when it came to heights, I use to climb trees and go as far up as I could on things just for the amazing view at the top. But ever since that dream I’ve been terrified, I start to shake and sometimes someone has to climb up to help me climb down. 

I remember one dream that really scared me, it sent chills down to my spine. A friend of mine was sitting in a row boat on a lake with my grandmother who passed away in 2006. The dream started off full of laughter and then my friend said the person she was with was my grandmother (for some reason in my dream till that point I didn’t recognise her). I muttered “but she’s dead” and my grandmother turned to face me and had a skull like face with black eye sockets where her eyes were meant to be and I was so scared it jolted me awake. 

There was one other time when I was completely terrified in a dream. Something was after me and I managed to escape the dream by forming a different dream but what scared me the most was that while in the new dream the creature that was after me in the first dream pulled me back to into the nightmare then killed me. I’ve never been so scared from a dream in my life.

I haven’t had a nightmare for quite a while, some dreams are usually with a nightmarish theme where you just feel like something is wrong but everything in the dream is good.

Those were my nightmares from childhood, I tend to remember my nightmares more than my happy dreams because I guess being scared was a bigger impact than being happy?

This was my journal entry for the daily writing challenge I’ve decided to partake myself in; in the hope it will help improve my writing skills.

Thanks for reading. :)

Heartbreak Panic

It's funny what people say to you that make you feel so loved and wanted. They tell you they won't ever hurt you or do a douche thing like breaking up with you literally two days after sleeping with you and then admitting they wanted to leave you ages ago....I'm trying so hard to be positive and still kinda be friends with him but I'm finding it so hard. I'm so sick of lying, fake arseholes that I am completely over guys at the moment.

All I want to do is cut my arm or drink, thankfully I have done neither.

On a positive note, my new room is about to be a caravan which I'm quite excited about. My best friend and I are going to sand and paint the inside and we're going to convert the shower into a mini walk-in wardrobe but keep the fridge. At the moment I'm Re-reading the entire Harry Potter series has been a big help, I forgot how much joy I get whenever I read the series.

I've been suffering from anxiety worse than usual since I went out for the last time with my now ex boyfriend, I literally had an anxiety attack just before he picked me up. If I didn't suffer from heartburn I most likely would go back to drinking a lot so maybe the heartburn is kinda a good thing.

Writing Challenge - Eye Contact

They shined so brightly that day,
Where did it all go wrong?
They looked so happy when meeting mine,
What did I do wrong?
You were my knight in shining armour,
my beautiful protector,
you ran away from me,
you had to set me free.
You'd just put the pieces back together,
I guess the glue wasn't strong enough,
because they are scattered everywhere.
I reach out to those who've hurt me before,
guess that's all I'm really good for.
If the pain from heartburn wasn't enough to stop me,
I'd bury myself at the bottom of a vodka bottle ...
.... and never climb back out.
I'm finding it so hard not to touch a knife,
I'm finding it so hard not to slice my arm.
Some things I can no longer do,
as they remind me of you.
Last time I wrote ten songs,
this time I write poems.
As the pain throbs at every heartbeat,
cause I really do love you,
and now I really don't know what to do.

E. Louise (c) 24/6/2018

Shattered

Shattering realisation as truth hit home

The dark thoughts you had while we were alone

Promises you made that you failed to keep

For the first time ever I fully regret you

I’ve loved you for a long time 

I know to you that never mattered

I’m shattered in a million pieces as the truth hit home

I was just too happy

The universe had to take it away

I’m sick in my stomach and chest

I try not to cry anymore

I do my best

But I can’t control it and you’re not here

I guess I should learn to love myself dear

E. Louise (c) 19/06/2018

Unrequited Love Poem

He’s there deep in my heart
often in my thoughts
a song that skips a beat
you’re not him though
you hurt me and let me down
you still sneak into my life
begging me to come back to you
I never want to be hurt from you again
but the heart knows what it wants
I believe It’s who I’m with now
he sends thoughts of unholy things
that I sometimes wish I could do
but I’m never doing that to you
I’ve finally found someone everyone loves
almost as much as I do
I want him in my life forever
just as I once wanted you
you reach for me all the time
but I must protect y heart from you
you know me better than anyone
and there’s no denying that
I hope one day that he will too
because babe there’s no turning back

E. Louise (c) 16/06/2018

heihei

While staying at the farm I met my cousins chicken called Heihei from Moana and managed to save a bird from the cat. There is a flock of turkeys that happily walk where ever and a herd of cattle and a flock of sheep.

Peaceful Freedom

They're flying around so peacefully,
just imagine having your own wings and just being so free.
You'd have to eat bugs and insects though but at least you would be free.
Free to travel, free to eat, free to live.
There would be no taxes, no bills or rates.
You would just e completely free.
Wouldn't be free enough to escapes the thoughts of the mind though,
that's why I turned to poetry.
But imagine being free, completely free.

E. Louise (c) 8/06/2018

Wedding and Home Care

Last weekend my nephew and niece in law got married, we all went down country for the big occasion although my sisters and I weren't invited to the wedding or reception because of space and money. It was great seeing and meeting family members I hadn't met before though. It was a church wedding so it was quite religious, I heard quite a few people cried when the vows were said and the speeches were done. 

This week I'm staying at my grandparents farm with my Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother to help out my grandmother after having a operation. It's peaceful and cold but it's been good so far. Miss the puppy at home though, she's alone at the moment because everyone's at work; hopefully she doesn't chew anything. 

I'm still quite worried about what to do after failing the Bachelor's degree but hopefully everything will workout in the end.   

Decided to get back to fully completing the book I originally started writing when I was ten years old. The storyline itself has definitely changed a lot over the years and became more darker.
I remember when I first started writing it out it was based of some childhood story I had thought of and as I got older the story grew and more mature scenes started appearing in the story. The main storyline idea hasn't changed but a lot has grown from it. It's amazing how your own story can shock you and really upset you, you really get attached to them.

Hannah Baker Poem - I'm Wearing Lacy Black Underwear by Sarah Kay

Today I am wearing lacy black underwear
For the sole purpose of knowing I am wearing them.
And underneath that?
I am absolutely naked.
And I've got skin. Miles and miles of skin;
I've got skin to cover all my thoughts
like Saran Wrap that you can see through
to what leftovers are inside from the night before.
And despite what you might think, my skin is not rough; nor is it bullet-proof.
My skin is soft, and smooth, and easily scarred.
But that doesn't matter, right?
You don't care about how soft my skin is.
You just want to hear about what my fingers do in the dark.
But what if all they do is crack open windows?
So I can see lightning through the clouds.
What if all they crave is a jungle gym to climb for a taste of fresher air?
What if all they reach for is a notebook or a hand to hold?
But that's not the story you want.
You are licking your lips and baring your teeth.
Just once I would like to be the direction someone else is going.
I don't need to be the water in the well.
I don't need to be the well.
But I'd like to not be the ground anymore.
I'd like to not be the thing people dig their hands in anymore.
Some girls know all the lyrics to each other's songs.
They find harmonies in their laughter.
Their linked elbows echo in tune.
What if I can't hum on key?
What if my melodies are the ones nobody hears?
Some people can recognize a tree,
A front yard, and know they've made it home.
How many circles can I walk in before I give up looking?
How long before I'm lost for good.
It must be possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without drowning.
It must be possible to swim without becoming water yourself.
But I keep swallowing what I thought was air.
I keep finding stones tied to my feet.

The Great War Exhibition

Looks like May is going to be one of the busiest months of the year so far.

We had a 60th  Birthday at the beginning of the month in Wellington where we went to see the Great War Exhibition and The Trench. I was beyond words after the Trench, the bombs were scary but the story/history that the Trench was both sad and interesting. The Exhibition was amazingly done, the statues looked so realistic. I found out from mum that my great grandfather who went to war and died during the war was in fact never found. By the looks of the thick mud in the coloured photos at the exhibition I can understand why. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have you husband/son/brother/grandfather go away to fight in a world war only to never see them again. I know that was sadly a reality for many people around the world and it is just heart breaking.  

My future niece in laws hens night was last weekend. It was the first one I had ever been to one. It wasn't what I expected but it just made me think of if/when I ever get married it's going to be expensive.
They get married next month, I'm not going to the wedding because there's not kids and I'm the babysitter but it sounds like its going to be cool.

My ex boyfriend was apparently meant to come here this month but as usual he didn't.
I plucked up the courage to tell my current boyfriend that I loved him and he already knew I do and loves me too but wants to tell me that in person which is sweet. My parents keep asking me when he's taking me out on a date now that he's working full time but I honestly don't feel like he needs to take me on one. We talk everyday and we support each other, we don't need to spend money to show that we care. He earned that money himself and I don't want him to spend it on me. Especially since houses here are way too expensive I'd rather he kept it for himself and save it all.

Anywho hope whoever is reading this is ok.