I pray you never feel unloved by me,
I hope you can always talk to me,
I know you may get depression someday and I'm sorry,
You will never be a burden to me,
Even before you exist you are so loved,
I'm sorry for the heartache,
I'm sorry for the pain,
No matter what you go through,
Know that I am here for you,
I love you forever and always even if you don't exist.
Love your future mum.
I seemed to think coming back to Auckland for Christmas would help me with my depression but I assumed wrong. Returning to my old hometown has just left me feeling even more depressed than I already was. I know my depression has gotten worse as I have turned to the one thing I never thought I'd ever turn to, Marijuana. I've tried it twice now and I just want more. It makes me feel so much more relaxed than my actual pills. The only downside of having it is I could lose my current job. I've been feeling so sad and depressed lately I just constantly think about dying, I want to die.
I've finally had the chance to properly talk to a counselor and it has helped so much. I had so much happening in my mind that I was breaking down repeatedly and even attempted to end my life. I had been so worried about where I see myself in a few years I forgot to focus on the now. After finding out the other half is permanently moving to Australia without me I didn't know what to do, I really needed a reminder of who loves me and who's there for me. Hopefully someday in the future I will actually have a family and find someone who wants that with me; but if not then it wasn't meant to be.
I've finally been able to start grading the crayfish at work and by the feedback, I am doing quite well. I may even start running my own day and have a proper scheduled day off. The future has started to look a bit brighter and I'm actually excited about life again.
I can't wait to see my family over Christmas and New Year it's going to be great.
Recently I got to experience working in Christchurch instead of here in Marlborough. It was definitely a new experience that was both challenging and enjoyable at the same time. It's seriously made me consider possibly moving to Christchurch in the future and working there. Not only is it a good location being in a city but the work environment itself is so much better. My work colleague and friend got to stay at The Famous Grouse Hotel in Lincoln and it was such a nice place to stay. The bar got a little loud sometimes but not so much so that it stopped us from being able to sleep. If the opportunity were to arise to go there again for work I would gladly say yes. I was almost going to be sent down to Dunedin but there was a change of plans. There was a sudden change of plans while I was down there also as I was meant to be down there from the 2nd of October til the 11th but certain people's partners made things difficult, unfortunately. Anywho the experience was great, I tried a Cocktail I actually liked and found a drink at Starbucks I enjoy. Hopefully, I have an opportunity like it soon, or even so Christchurch I may come for you and stay.
I don't know what's wrong with me, is it tiredness? My BPD? Depression? Anxiety? All of the above? My doctor was unable to help me so I may need to seek help elsewhere. I'd go to a counselor but I really can't afford it and my Dr who usually refers to them is really no help to me. It ended up getting to a point where I wanted to quit my job and just leave but I can't do that, I need my job. I usually love my job but lately even things like watching movies, building LEGO, and coloring; all things I love just feel like too much. I've even started thinking about doing drugs which I do not want to do but also seriously feel like doing just for the calming effects. Anything to just keep me calm.
Okay so I gave in and got myself a guitar from The Rock Shop. It's a beautiful mahogany Valencia VC203TWR trans wine red classical guitar. They're having a guitar sale at the moment otherwise I would've waited. The boss wanted me to get a guitar second hand from TradeMe but I much rather have a brand new one that will deliver as most of the TradeMe ones were all pick up only and I'd have to ask someone to take me to a whole other city just to pick up a guitar. I got a capo and a tuner to go with it and can't wait to get back into playing guitar again. Next up glasses especially ones that work well with my new hearing aides. I may have convinced one of my bosses to get similar hearing aides as he has problems with hearing too.
Anywho hope every thing is well where ever you are.
Covid has been knocking on the door more and more often lately, It's just a matter of time til I get it especially having one as such a close contact. Work is great, it's good to be back on the grind again. I recently got a new VR and I'm absolutely loving it although for some reason no matter how hard I try I can't connect my Move Controllers to my PS, will get there in the end though.
I have been even more encouraged to get a new guitar, preferably an Acoustic one, as well as try and get my learners even though I have no right peripheral and will most likely get told no.
Almost a year in with work and my back and hips feel buggered, I really need to take care of myself properly. With the encouragement of my partner and fellow formates I've been having moisturiser for my face and elbows a lot lately to try and fix the sore dry elbows I've been having lately. I was going to write more but I'm so tired I can't think.
Hope your day/evening/night/morning/afternoon is going well.
I'm Finally officially getting Hearing Aides. On Tuesday I'm getting hearing aid fittings then I'll be able to start a six-week trial of using them to see if they work for me. They're going to be Bluetooth and wireless charging. I honestly can't wait to be able to hear on phone calls again and be able to communicate better at work. My workmates and bosses are so nice and almost as excited as me to get them. I can't wait to try them out not just at work but at home too. The wireless charging is going to help save money as well. It will be so nice to be able to hear again.
After nearly a year of study I've finally finished my Business Administration course. I have done a Business and Administration course back in 2011/2012 but wanted a brush up as it had been a long time, systems have also changed and this one was more focused on accounting too.
Work has been rather quiet lately as we're closed for the season during harvest but next month it's going to get super busy again and I can't wait. I went to the Audiologist again to get new hearing aides. Before I wasn't able to get any funding as I wasn't working and wasn't doing a full time course. Thankfully this time through the Community Services card I may be able to get funding due to work. Fingers crossed as I'd love to be able to communicate with my workmates and properly understand them while working. The great thing about hearing aides these days is they're water resistant which will help heaps as I'm around water a lot with the crayfish. I remember being in primary school and not being able to wear hearing aides in and around water, my parents even refused to get me implants cause they wanted me to learn how to swim. Technology really is amazing these days. After getting these hearing aides sorted my next step is glasses. The future actually looks bright right now.
Hope you have an enjoyable rest of your day/night.
Something I've wanted to do for years is go Jet Boating in Hanmer Springs, this weekend I was finally able to do that. I went with my other half and ended up doing the quad biking too. We learnt the hard way that I'm not the best at booking nice motels as I accidentally booked a caravan instead on an actual room. Besides that we had an awesome time on the Jet Boat learning about the fault line and being splashed every time we did a spin. My better half saw that they also had Quad biking as an activity too so we ended up doing that straight after. The quad biking was heaps of fun, my better half is way more confident at driving the quad than I am so he ended up taking the rear of our small group. We only stayed for a few days but we're thinking of going again next weekend and going to the thermal pools but we'll see how the week goes.
A time you died in a car crash and got lost on your way to the afterlife. Must include weebs, chakra cleansing, trampoline, butcher, drag queen and pentagram.
Spring break was just around the corner and the car trip was all packed and ready to go. Sully and I had been planning this trip for months and had made lists of everywhere we wanted to go. There was no real destination, we were just going wherever the roads took us.
We almost got stuck with Sully’s younger brother and his friends who were a bunch of weebs, they were also going on a road trip, but they were going to some nerd tournament across the states which sounded boring as hell. His friends often referred to us as “drama queens” but they were just jealous of us.
One of the many locations we were going to was this place that does spiritual cleansing such as chakra cleansing and aura readings, we were into that type of stuff. Sully had a wrap on the bonnet of her Mercedes of a pentagram with a matching dreamcatcher hanging off the mirror. Sully’s mum was a lawyer which was a big surprise to me as her dad was a butcher. Love beats what you do, I guess. Sully had that type of upbringing where she gets anything she wants. The only thing my parents ever got me that was expensive was a trampoline when I was six. It was great and all and I loved it till I outgrew it, but it was nothing compared to what Sully’s parents got her.
We were finally off on the road trip, my parents had given me warnings as they do about staying safe as two teenagers on a road trip by ourselves, Sully’s parents however didn’t seem too bothered about where we were going and encouraged us to meet as many people as we can and make memories. Both were right in their own ways of course but it was concerning how little her parents cared about her whereabouts. We turned into the interstate and Sully hit the gas like speed limit didn’t exist in her world. I told Sully to slow down as there was a tight turn coming up but Sully assured me she had driven this road many times before so she wasn’t going to crash. There was suddenly a loud screech from up the road, a couple of teens were drifting in between cars near missing a few. Sully pulled out to pass a truck then slammed on the breaks. The drifter came around the truck and slammed headfirst into Sully and I, at least I think it did. There was a lot of screams and screeches of metal, my memory is a bit fuzzy. I’ve been stuck in this loophole of seeing how I died over and over as if there was something I could do that would change the outcome. I wish I could talk to my parents again, tell them I’m sorry they’re not going to hear from me when we arrive at the first destination. Turns out our destination was death.
I’ve been searching for the entrance of heaven, I thought it was a light at the end of the tunnel; but it was the headlights. It was just dark and cold nothingness, I kept walking in circles. I thought if I walked far enough, I’d leave this place behind, but I keep ending up at the crash site. There was just twisted metal and smoke, I couldn’t find Sully anywhere. I knew that she also didn’t survive that, she had a habit of not wearing a seatbelt as it ruined her vibe. I guess the boys had died too, their last mistake finally costing their lives.
I felt like there was something I had to do, but I hadn’t worked out what it is yet. I didn’t understand why I was stuck with seeing the crash, I was dead nothing could change that. Is this what the afterlife is? Just spending eternity alone in the place where you died? That can’t be true; and yet here I was. Just as I was accepting this was fate for all eternity a doorway opened as if it was always there. I walked towards it cautiously afraid that it would just disappear or lead me back here. I put my hand on the door handle and was surprised by the warmth that greeted my touch. Excitement bubbled up inside me, this was it. I was finally leaving this horrible empty place I never wanted to see again. But just as I thought those words the door handle went cold, as if it had suddenly frozen over and I quickly let it go. Fear hit me again as I realized I was stuck here forever. A scream built up inside of me and rushed out of my windpipes tearing them as I made a sound never heard from a livings eardrum. This was my eternity.
Tell us about the time your math teacher tried sacrificing you to the elder gods. Must include pineapple, heart attack, disease, thief, basilisk and botox.
I snuck into Miss Stacey’s house last night, I planned to just scare her or maybe see how far I could go with her. She recently got Botox done which she had been telling the softball team about for the past semester. A few years ago, her father passed away due to a heart attack, and it had taken awhile for the inheritance money to come through; a shame she had to waste it. I her living room she had a massive wall tapestry of a basilisk supporting her Harry Potter collection, should’ve known she was a Slytherin. There was a pineapple sitting on her kitchen bench with a watermelon for a fruit salad she planned on making later for her house party, wonder why she didn’t have them in the fridge. I sneaked down the hallway towards the bedroom where I saw her toy which she left on the bedside table for some reason, it didn’t look clean so I could only imagine what diseases were on it. I finally found what I was looking for, the jewelry box. I was hoping she had something more than 10 carets in it so I could sell it. It’s what she deserves after getting us kicked out of the series for leaking her nudes; she shouldn’t have put them online in the first place and we wouldn’t have found them. I carefully opened the box and found what I was looking for, it was full of jewels. I picked up the most expensive looking ones including a diamond ring, everything the pawn shop would take. Getting out of the house was surprisingly easy, thank you Pilates class and gossip group afterwards. We took off towards town, this summer is going to be great.
The world is such a horrible place to be in at the moment for many, with COVID flying through the world and now the start of World War Three. This may sound dramatic but I really hope the world doesn’t end with everything that is happening these days.
Work has been going really well although at the moment we have split shifts so there’s less of a chance that we’d be shut down for COVID. It’s very quiet at the moment but still enjoyable. I got myself a new MacBook as I needed a new laptop and am so excited for my other half to be coming next month; it’s going to be awesome.
I hope everyone in Ukraine get through this and are able to see the next few months in peace, we are all here for you.
Hope your day, night is going well.
