2020 Overall

This year overall surprisingly has gone quite well despite everything, the positives add up more than the negatives this year which is rare. At the beginning when COVID19 first was announced it was quite scary, the year started good. I had a awesome time in Puanui but then it went to custurd from there. My parents were moving and I had to find a place to live within six weeks or I would've been homeless. I was at first meant to move into a flat/rental apartment with my best friend but unfortunately that didn't end up happening. I was in such a low place of panic I cut again and cut everyone off from my life except my boyfriend at the time. Luckily one of my best friends re entered my life but I lost the other completely. After the lockdown I moved down country to care for my grandmother during this time I lost my boyfriend but a old flame re entered my life. Taylor of course dropped two surprise albums, a new single and two films. Because of her my year was made, if none of those dropped it would have been a year of disapointment and loss. I lost my grandmother recently who I came down to help care for and had to experience things I hope I never have to see or experience again but for a loved one I would. Thankfully it didn't tarnish my memories of her and I will always be grateful for the seventy extra days I got to spend with her. I will never forget playing cards, the talks, life advice, boy advice or the time spent with her. As Taylor's song lyric frm "Marjorie" states "what died didn't stay dead, you're alive in my head". She encouraged me to write and finish my book no matter what anyone says and that's what I 'm going to doin 2021, focus on my writing. I love and miss you nana. x

Different Location

I have officially moved away from Auckland. I’ve never lived outside of Auckland before so it’s a completely different way of life for me. The only down side is less job opportunities especially since I can’t drive.

The flight was good though especially with the social distancing, we’re not allowed to sit near people not in our own bubble.

I have lived here for two/three months now and I love it. It's so peaceful and quiet here, I take the dog for a walk every day and get to watch the lambs grow. Sometimes it's difficult here, I get carsick everytime we go to town but they have the car so hot for nana that it makes me ill. I'm officially single again but thats okay, I am in no hurry to have a partner and I'm not having kids so theres no rush. I know I won't die alone though at least

Moving Away

I may be moving away to the South Island of New Zealand for six months soon. It will defiantly be a first as I have only every lived in Auckland. The whole family is moving at some point but I always expected that I would be in Auckland broke and struggling while everyone else in my family lived in Whanganui somewhere. I never expected that I would have a opportunity to live down in a country area with barely any public transport and away from everything I know and love. 

Because Outward Bound didn't happen when it was supposed to it has been pushed to next year in February and is near where I'm going to be living. I haven't told my other family and friends about the move yet as it's not 100% but by the looks of it it is defiantly happening. 

It will be interesting to see how all my belongings are going down there, it would be cheaper to fly down but i think they might throw all my belongings (packed of course) into my caravan and take it down that way. 

I am not of course just going down there on a whim, I'm going down to help with a family member, I should find out today or tomorrow when and how long for and of course how. 

Just in case it is sooner than I think I am going to start to tidy and pack everything I'm not using everyday that would be taken down there. I don't know if they are just planning on sending me down with some belongings and then sending down the rest later or all at once. I have been meaning to go down and stay there for a while anyway but never imagined it could be for six months. I would miss out on a birthday and Armageddon but it would be worth it, I was only half planning on going to Armageddon this year to take my sisters for the first time and was waiting to see you was being announced to feature are a virtual guest. So I would really just be going to buy, if I don't go I would be able to save quite a bit of money for Christmas, Outward Bound and after six months a flat.

Right now it is all talks but to be honest I am sorta excited as well as nervous.

Job Hunting and Flat Searching

Job hunting and searching for a place to live here in Auckland has been near impossible. There are hundreds of people looking for work at the moment that are fuller and better qualified than me, with the COVID 19 shutting things down there are so many of us looking for work now. I'm almost tempted to start looking for work and places to live in Whangaui and just moving with the family. It might be cheaper rent and there may be work opportunities that hopefully don't require a drivers license like a lot here do. 

It's either needs a license, needs more experience or your application was unsuccessful. It's slowly starting to get to me, I have my sisters and my boyfriend who help but the anxiety of it all is slowly getting worse again. In January/February I had a severe anxiety attack over finding a place to live, a job and a storage unit in (at the time) six weeks and I couldn't do it, I ended up cutting again and lost two of my best friends. One left without a explanation and the other I left. I cried out for help when I wanted to end my life to the wrong person. I now communicate those feelings to a online site called The Mighty where they help people with all sorts of mental disabilities including suicidal thoughts. It has definitely helped a lot.

13 Reasons Why

I see so much negativity towards this show but it has personally helped me so much. Each season in its own way has helped me understand and get through my depression and anxiety. 

It has helped me understand how my suicide could affect people who love me. It has helped me learn about Abortions for the first time as well as seeing drug use recovery. It helped me understand just how damaging rape was and how long a recovery can be. The speech Clay says at Hannah’s funeral still helps me today as well as the many things therapists throughout the show says. 

There are many things that are triggering in it for people who are struggling with the same issues as the characters and so many people wanted it to be removed. There are two parts that I will never watch again (Hannah’s suicide & broom assault) but I understand why they showed it. The first two seasons were triggering for me in a way but I more focused on the message they were putting out.  

Writing Challenge - Stray Animal

The scent of cooked food woke me from my daze, it definitely smelt better than the food I got from the garbage earlier. 

This ting alley with a pile of cardboard boxes was my home, the love I knew from humans was the occasional child who dropped their food and the woman who sometimes left a sausage or piece of chicken on the corner for me; she hadn’t been for awhile.

I wasn’t upset about that, friends come and go all the time whether it’s a friendly human or a new member of the pack. They either get caught by the pound, go to a different alley or they join a new pack. 

There were people everywhere tonight, the scent was strong here mixed with other delicious smells as well as some not so nice smells. 

I was coming up to the cat alley when I could hear what sounded like a commotion. I was hesitant at first thinking it was a start of a cat fight and not wanting to get involved. 

Listening more closely though it didn’t sound like a cat, or even a dog; it sounded human. 

I’ve heard that voice before, I looked around the corner and saw the woman I hadn’t seen for a while backing up to the dumpster at the end of the alley being followed by a man holding a sharp object. 

The woman cried out for help and I leapt at the man from behind, he didn’t see me coming so I caught him by surprise. I didn’t like the sharp object in his hand so I grabbed hold of that arm so he couldn’t hurt me or the woman. 

Attacking him seemed to help the woman as she pulled something out of her bag and pointed it at the attackers face. 

It smelt like pepper, the man yelled so I let him go and followed the woman towards the street. 

I checked she was okay, two man showed up and were talking to the woman, they all turned to me and called me a good boy. 

That made me happy; but what the woman said next said the happiest thing I’ve ever heard “do you want to come home with me?” Did I ever. Maybe she has that really nicely scented cooked food or she will get me some. My pack had expanded and I didn’t need to return to the cardboard boxes ever again.

Writing Challenge - Country Mouse

“Welcome to New York, it’s been waiting for you” the song goes. It was a long drive but I’m finally here. The lights are so bright you can barely see the stars. 

The city is so alive at night, loud music, honking of cars and yelling and laughter of people on the streets. 

Back home it is so much quieter, you can hear the occasional owl hoot and crickets chirp but it was quiet. When you look at the sky it is full of stars. The night is so dark and yet so bright at the same time. Here in the city that never sleeps you can’t hear crickets or owls. 

Just driving through the Main Square in the taxi shows so much activity happening in the city. All the buildings are lit up and all the bars are full. There’s music everywhere, from the performers on the street, to speakers blaring. 

A theatre just finished, there’s people streaming out into the streets.

I have never seen so many people in one place at once.

This was my new home. 

I get to my new apartment and look around the room, it’s suddenly very quiet and empty here. 

I had came to the city of lights, soon I will live my dreams.

Writing challenge - whispers

She ran through the hallways looking for a way out, a way to warn him. She could hear them coming and panic was tight in her throat and chest. She couldn’t let them catch her before warning the others and they couldn’t let her warn them. They were saying the chip was a good thing, it gave hope and took away pain. It wiped people’s minds and she had to warn them they were coming. If they heard her they would either force her to take the chip or kill her. She couldn’t let that happen, she needed to see him again to warn them. She ran up the staircase to the roof scanning for away to jump and escape. Sprinting she made a leap right when they reached the door. She didn’t stop when she landed on the other side knowing they would follow. The sound of feet landing behind her confirmed that. She leapt over another ledge, she could see him in the distance calling her. She ran faster determined to get to him on time. A nylon rope wrapped suddenly around her ankles in a loop sending shock waves through her body causing her to fall. She tried to send a telepathic message to him “they’re coming” but she was too far away. She screamed “run!” Hoping he could hear her, that he would listen. A hand firmly grasped around her face covering her mouth to stop her from yelling. A voice whispered in her ear “too late” as they forced the chip down her throat, she was lost. 

Writing Challenge - Fairytales

In this writing challenge I had to re write or change a fairy tale, I chose what happened the Adam’s parents from Beauty and the Beast.

One day long ago there was a young man called Adam. He was a prince, his parents the King and Queen of France had gone away for a hunting trip that was meant to last for a week at most if not longer. The hounds had the hunting party chasing a magnificent stag through a valley which lead to a forest. A witch lived there; she was still angry after not being let into the castle by the prince who she had turned into a beast and had decided to punish the King and Queen assuming they were horrible people. Seeing the stag pass her cottage the witch decided to play a trick on them. Conjuring a stag she used it to lure the royal hunting party to cliffs. The King a d Queen tried to stop their horses as they heard the whines and yelps of the hound dogs as they fell to their deaths, but the witch conjured an aspiration which caused a pack of wolves to chase and spook the horses towards the cliffs. The King and Queen fell to their deaths as the horses reared and bucked at the wolves knocking their owners off in the process. 

Money and things to do during a lockdown

Saving for money for so many things is hell, it's hard when needs are so expensive compared to needs. I'd love to save for a house, a holiday. Anxiety over this has been getting worse as each week and month passes. Just having new glasses is around $2000 to $3000. Hearing Aides on the other hand, just a hearing test is $1, 380; the hearing aides themselves are  $3,150 each ($7, 020 for both). Some people won't see that as a lot but for those who don't get much of a paycheck or have to unfortunately live on a benefit due to medical reasons or other reasons that can not be helped it is very very hard to save money. Hopefully once work starts up again I'll get jobs that will help save that much.

Lockdown has been pretty easy in a way, if I was flatting it would be a different story of course but since I am still at home for now I don't need to go out anyway. As a introvert I was born for this, there's something to do every day basically, a book to read, a room to clean, a book to write, a game to play, a movie to watch, a show to binge, crafts to create, knitting to do, tumblr to sit on, PlayStation and Xbox games to play, PC games to play, people to chat to, crafts to learn, dances to learn, songs to learn, listening to every CD or record you own, songs to stream. Things around the house to fix, lawns to mow, sewing, animals to play with and walk. Family photos to sit and look through, pranks, family game days/nights, talent shows, musical instruments to play, card games, baking, cooking, painting, gardening, obstacle courses, crosswords, word searches, colouring, chopping wood, decluttering, organising, decorating.