Refreshed

The last time I felt refreshed was when I realised I was fully capable of not cutting. 

Some people wouldn’t see that as a form of feeling ‘refreshed’ but for me it gave the feeling of being refreshed. 

Just the simple realisation that I am stronger than I think I am.

Although I was obviously already stronger than I thought I was but I didn’t believe it before. 

How this is refreshing for me is it proves I am not a complete failure. 

I feel like I pretty much fail at everything in life and the reminder of me not failing at keeping myself alive is surprisingly quite refreshing. 

One day hopefully I won’t feel this way but today is not that day.

Darkness

Ever since I was little I have been scared of the dark.

While going to the toilet at night I turned on every light on the way there and ran from the dark dining room in our old house to my room.

I would then have to leap onto my bed.

I was always certain there was something under the bed waiting to grab me.

Later years I worked out it was fear of the unknown not the dark.

You never know what’s hidden in the dark lurking in the shadows just waiting for when your back is turned.

That’s what I told myself anyway.

The old house was also haunted which didn’t help.

At night doors use to open by themselves and I always heard voices. 

To beat my fear of the dark I use to play a game, while your eyes were open no one could get you cause you could see them coming.

So when I was very scared in the dark I would play dead.

I would lay there frozen not moving til I fell asleep often singing in my head “99 bottles of pop on the wall”, I never made it to 80.

I’m a lot better now although I still get a big fright at night if the caravan suddenly rocks from either the wind or the cat. 

Because there is no emptiness under my bed I don’t jump or take a big step quickly into bed. 

Alarm Clock

Sometimes it’s so hard 

Just to get up in the morning 

To convince yourself it’s worth it

That simply waking up is a miracle 

The earlier you awake sometimes 

The more you achieve 

Other times it’s too cold

Especially with a comfortable bed

Having someone who needs you

Helps a lot in a way

Sometimes you regret that you woke up at all

And you could happily sleep for hours

Whenever I think about sleeping though

One quote always comes to mind

A story of a small bird

And a golden statue

“Death is the brother of sleep don’t you know?”

For someone who often thinks about dying 

That wuote hit me hard

E. Louise (c) 26/09/2018

Magazine

Really started working on my magazine I thought of creating quite a while ago, will take hard work and research but worth it in the end. Mainly focusing on the biggest fandoms in music at the moment, can’t wait to see how successful it could get, or not get 🤷🏼‍♀️. 

May be getting work again which is awesome, can’t wait to get back to working and earning money. Especially with the amount of things I have instore before Christmas this year, meeting Katie Leung and Pearl Mackie at Armageddon and possibly getting a tattoo there, Seeing Taylor Swift live again, going down to Blenhiem over Christmas and meeting my baby nephew 😍 can’t wait! 

Hope you all have something in life to look forward to as well, I know that sometimes (for some of us) it’s really hard to find something positive in life to live towards and I hope you have something positive and exciting happening in your life too. 

Photograph

I found a photograph of my parents before I was born having Christmas lunch at my grandparents farm. 

It made me stop and wonder what it could have been like if my parents never divorced, if they actually worked out. 

Would I have more direct siblings who I would have grown up with?

In thinking this though it would mean I wouldn’t have the family I have now, I have two older step sisters and two younger half sisters who I wouldn’t have in my life if my parents had worked out. 

I don’t think it would be worth losing losing them for that one wish of “what if”. I have also gained the “Auntie” status from one of my big sisters who I’d lose, one niece and one nephew. I wouldn’t lose the Auntie status if my parents had stayed together as my big brother has a son; but I would still lose five - seven people in my life not including my gained grandparents,aunts, uncles and cousins. 

But that photograph did make me stop and wonder, two people in the photo are now dead, my grandmother from my dads side and my grandfather from my mums side.

I guess their divorce in a way was one of the best things to happen to me as I gained a whole family who just happily accepted me.

Holding Hands

The first time I ever held someone’s hand was when I was a toddler.

Because I was hearing impaired Mum and I had a code that it was safe to cross the road by squeezing my hand twice. This was mainly for crossings that didn’t have the lights at the traffic lights and some pedestrian crossings. This helped keep me safe.

The first time I held someone’s hand in a relationship I found it strange. I wasn’t use to people wanting to hold my hand and often kept to myself. He use to like looking at my hands and examining them which I use to find odd and funny.

The other four boyfriends I’ve had have never held my hand.

The only time I’ve really held someone’s hand is crossing the road with my younger sisters till they were older and family friends kids while they crossed the road.

Tear Jerker

He lost his life for you

And you don’t even care

I know you lost your daughter 

And there’s no way of knowing she’s alive

But he lost his life for you 

“Baymax Destroy” he demands in hurt and anger

His life had been wasted

And he showed no compassion 

Hurt and anger lead to vengeance 

Your brother would not want Baymax to do this

“Someone has to help” became your motto

As you discovered Callinghans daughter 

You were doing your best to save their lives

Baymax did his duty

With destroyer mode on

He loves you and will protect you

As Big Hero 6 lives on. 

(c) E. Louise 23/9/2018

Sunrise/sunset

You stayed up late last night

Crying in your sleep

Clinging your sore arm to you

All the pain in the chest hadn’t quite gone to the arm

The truth came out at last

And ripped your heart in two

You convince yourself you won’t make it through the night

You tried to end it all

You half hoped someone would notice

You half hoped someone would know

You tell no one and just wish the pain would kill you

It’s pitch black outside

You have no idea what the time is

You hoped the pain would distract you

But it’s still all in your head

Memories and repeated thoughts 

Rush on and on inside

You want it to be all over and just hide

A bright light alerts you

It’s the beginning of a brand new day

You hold on to the thought forever

“You can make it to another day”

The sunrise is beautiful it promises beginnings

But then you remember 

Sunsets are beautiful too

Which just proves some endings are worth it

E. Louise (c) 19/9/18

Writing Challenge - Just Say No

I have a lot of trouble telling people “No”.

I always feel I’ll get yelled at or upset people if I say “No”. 

I avoid asking people out so I don’t have to hear them say “No”.

I don’t take rejection well, nor do I like giving people rejections.

Only in the recent few years I’ve really started saying “no” to people. 

Especially ex boyfriends (one in particular) who constantly kept thinking it was okay to do the same things with me while I was with another guy as if we were together ourselves. 

Some guys understanding of the word “No” has completely put me off dating them for awhile now. 

Especially after a recent encounter where a guy saw I was single and automatically wanted pictures of me, after I said “No” however I got called a “bitch”.

Thankfully since we have a “Beware of Dog” sign on our gate we don’t have door knockers trying to sell us things. Before we got Millie after Coco passed away people from donation places and Jahovah Witness use to knock on the door all the time and I found it hard to turn them away. 

Most door knockers I just say the home owners aren’t home and they come back later only to be told to go away by my dad. 

I guess I just need to start being more brave.

Writing Challenge - The Stars

It’s so peaceful just lying there starring up at the sky.

The crickets chirp and the owl hoots but you feel so alone.

It’s a happy alone though, it’s the type of alone where you’re thinking of your hopes and dreams.

Where you’re wondering if there’s other life out there.

You’re watching out for comets and shooting stars and watching the international space station zoom by.

You’re watching out for horoscopes and naming them.

You’re watching the moon slowly drift across the sky as the earth and moon slowly turn.

You’re counting all the planets you think you can see.

The further you go from the lights of the city, the more you see in the sky.

They are always there of course just harder to see.

Except the sun of course, the easiest star to see at day, still reflected back at us at night by the light of the moon.

It’s so peaceful out here, so cold but peaceful.

Writing Challenge - Light Switch

My coming out of the dark and into the light is funny enough my “coming out” story.

I’m not 100% sure what to identify myself as. I have been labelled three things in the past two years and I’m still working it out.

I didn’t start to realise I liked girls until I was in High School. I questioned it but didn’t fully grasp it as I was uncertain of what the feeling was. 

When I was with my British boyfriend for two years he labelled me as bi-curious, as I was curious and uncertain.

I labelled myself last year as bisexual as I have a strong desire towards both girls and boys.

While explaining to people not long ago though that I have liked a transgender and pretty much don’t care what they identify themselves as to a point; as if I like them then I like them no matter what their identification of gender is.

That’s when I was introduced to Pansexual.

I’m discovering myself everyday so hopefully soon I’ll have a better understanding of myself.

Or I’ll just have a interesting life of discovering something new about me everyday.

Writing Challenge - Mirror Mirror

If I looked in the mirror what would it say?

Would it echo my nightmares and repeat my inner thoughts?

Will it join my demons and laugh at my tears?

Will it show all my flaws I try so hard to hide?

Will it highlight the scars and all the wounds others can’t see?

Will it read all my feelings my arms use to bleed?

Or will it surprise me and show this beautiful human, the one some learnt to love and throw aside?

The girl strong enough to not let her faults make her crumble no matter how many times she felt like ending it all.

Will it show the smile on the face and the pain in the eyes that no matter she seems to never hide?

Will it show the laughter and the tears falling down sometimes in pain with a small hidden frown?

All that I know when I stand in front of the mirror,

Is it shows me to myself the way I see myself.

There’s no love in the eyes as they fall upon me for my love I have isn’t for me.

E. Louise (c)  13/9/2018

Life

I’ve been doing a lot of writing challenges lately to help work on my creative writing as well as having a safer method to deal with my hurt and anger at a lot of things in life at the moment. 

I’m hoping some day it will all get better especially with how things are in my mind.

Nearly finished the Harry Potter series which I hadn’t fully read all in a row since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out. I purposely decided to do that as some small things that are funny and aren’t in the films (which is sadly quite a lot - Peeves/Kretcher) so even though I have read it all before and know what happens there’s still the little connections that still make it almost like reading it for the first time.

Started watching 12 Monkeys from 2016 on Netflix, I have seen the original film so I know technology where the story should lead but they of course always add new little twists to the story seeing as it’s a redo and a tv show. 

It’s been two years since one of my favourite trips to Gold Coast, Australia this week as it’s my best friends birthday. Definitely never going to forget what it was like swimming with a dolphin and getting a photo with one. 

In saying that I do not believe that animals should be held in captivity but it does open up a lot of opportunities for people and help most of the endangered species. 

Writing Challenge - Insult

The people in my life who insult me the most are those closest to me. 

Most of the insults thrown my way are all to do with my weight. 

A family friend once waited until I had purchased bacon and eggs as I was carrying them to the car told me bacon and eggs makes me fat so I most definitely don’t need them.

My mother often takes one look at what I’m wearing and comments on how it makes me look, which has now lead me to change my clothes around three times before going out.

My current ex boyfriend told me he was too embarrassed to be seen with me because I’m overweight. 

My worst critic is my mother though.

After raving to friends and family about how some of my dishes taste she will tell me I can’t cook.

After telling friends and family they’re proud of what I’m achieving with the Bachelor of Teaching I was doing, they forgot that they’re the ones who told me being a Journalist will get me no where in life. 

One of the things my recent ex said to me by judgment of assumption is that I lack potential to do well in life. 

The blow of that only affects me so badly because of everything doctors have said in my life to me judging on my disabilities.

Every time I go on any dating site I get insulted by a guy. 

They seem to think that if you’re a girl and are single they have every right to get a picture straight away and some demand it from you by calling you a bitch. 

Or they send a picture of their dick and automatically expect you to send them a picture in return. 

I get insulted by having a guy have a go at me for “falsely leading him on” by saying “hi” and being polite. Apparently being polite on dating sites now means you want to open your legs. 

My biggest insult was being cheated on and then the guy expecting me to love them as if nothing happened.

Writing Challenge - The Sound of Silence

Being silent in my case is a very dangerous thing to do. 99% of the time when I am silent my mind is the loudest it can get. 

Nothing positive is going through my mind. 

It is a constant battle not to cut my arm and not to listen to the voices in my head convincing me it’s worth the cut. That no one will notice, that no one cares. 

Complete silence once almost killed me.

I purposely hid myself away,  and let the voices and emotions take over.

I had the knife at the ready to end it all.

But I had forgotten to turn my phone off, it had lit up and caught my attention. 

Luckily it was my step dad asking if I was okay. Thinking it was my sister using my step dads phone (as he used emojis) I said the truth about how sad I was. 

They told me to come here straight away. 

If I had turned my phone off what would have stopped me? Was God watching and decided that wasn’t my time no matter what? If that was the case I wonder what would have happened?

I can’t even sit in silence for long without thinking about moments in my past that either make me want to cut or anger me. It’s like I just automatically think about the negative everytime it’s too quiet. 

Even listening to music doesn’t always do it unfortunately.

I miss the days when sitting in silence was happy imagination of my stories I had thought of.

I guess maybe that’s the real reason I decided to start writing again, it’s a healthy escape from the bad and dark thoughts that convince me it’s worth killing myself. 

Thank goodness I wrote down all my story ideas in a book cause if I hadn’t I would have forgotten them all by now. 

I have particular favourites of course, my favourite and original one I’m writing I’m hoping to turn into other a trilogy and maybe a tv show but we will see.

Would be a great distraction from all my suicidal thoughts though, if only my mum and step dad supported this dream of mine. 

Writing Challenge - What You Don’t Know

I’ve kept a lot of secrets for people from people. 

Some of them people have trusted with me, some I have accidentally came across and had to promise to keep secret. Some secrets are quite hard to keep, especially when they’re from people you tell mostly everything to. Some secrets I keep for people could get myself and those involved in trouble, from other people and the law. 

I keep secrets to myself that I tell no one, even the people I tell mostly everything to. Some of them it’s because it’s too embarrassing to share and some I’m ashamed of. 

People don’t really need to know all of my secrets.

Writing Challenge - Coffee and Tea

I often have a cup of tea when I get up in the morning and often also before I go to bed. My favourite way to have a cup of tea is with a tea bag, a spoonful of sugar (depending on how strong it is) and a bit of milk with hot water of course. 

In the cold winter morning tea helps warm up the whole body. 

I was first introduced to tea when I was 8/9 years old while on a holiday. The lady who made it for me made it with half milk and half hot water so it wasn’t too hot. I can’t remember if sugar was added then o if it was added years later. 

I’ve never been a big fan of coffee. I’ve tried a few different types of coffee but I just don’t like the taste. 

While at Cafes however I don’t usually have a cup of tea as it’s often too strong and doesn’t have enough sugar to provide. 

Therefore I have a hot chocolate.

Always love the foam on top and the marshmallows that come with it. 

Unfortunately over the years, if I drink too much hot chocolate I get sick, I also get indigestion from drinking too much tea.

A Letter To You

You didn’t have to do it you know and say those things to me.

I’ve loved you for five years and till I don’t know when.

When I first met you, you blew me away.

I don’t know why but you’re it.

I’ve never felt this way with anyone else,

Some I wanted to keep cause they were just so great in bed.

One I thought was my future, literally my everything. 

He broke me in what I thought was the worse way possible.

You though, you remind me of everything I hate about me.

I’ve been depressed and anxious for many years now and my physical environments show it.

It’s one of the main things I hate about myself.

The main thing though that I mainly hate you were so happy to point out to me.

I’ve struggled with losing weight for years.

I’ve done diets, I’ve done exercise, I have even starved myself at a time of my life where I almost really killed myself.

The literate thing that stopped me was one text message.

I hate looking at my full body in the mirror.

I hate living with the voices in my head.

For ten years I have been so strong and managed not to kill myself.

I’ve gone eight months without cutting and giving into my thoughts of wanting to. 

The past few weeks since you mentioned it to me have made the voices stronger.

It made the self hate stronger.

I’ve been strong for ten years but I don’t know if I can for ten more.

I remind myself of the future I want.

For now it only just keeps my going.

I purposely set things up in the future for me to live towards.

Sometimes it’s a concert, sometimes it’s a trip and others it’s a album or a form of event.

That’s how I keep going.

I guess my only real fear is if the joy of the future of attending a trip, concert or even getting a album or book or even seeing a movie goes then what do I have?

I know that sounds selfish, especially since the obvious answer being family and friends.

But when I’m feeling like this I manage to convince myself that no one actually cares. 

That they won’t miss me.

That everyone secretly hates me or is sick of me being around. 

I know that on the outside I seem happy.

But right now, I battle with suicidal thoughts all day, almost everyday.

Someday hopefully I won’t have to.

Someday hopefully they’ll be gone permanently and I’ll still be me.

Someday hopefully someone will love me including all the parts of me I hate so much.

Maybe someday I’ll love everything I hate about me now.

Hopefully I actually have a future.

I’ll keep fighting it, I just don’t know how long for.

E. Louise (c) 1/9/2018