Tattoo Ideas, Possible Moving and Relationship

The family reunion was pretty cool, there may be another one in either three or five years time. I found out that there will be a reunion for another one of my families too which should be cool.
I don't know if I want to get a Magpie sitting in a branch of a cherry blossom tree or if I want to get a snow leopard. I'm also thinking of something Taylor related like "it's never too late to be brand new" just as a constant reminder but  in Taylor's handwriting if that would ever be possible.

I have been given the opportunity to move out of home and into an apartment block, I'm not 100% sure about it and have one week to decide if it is what I want to do or not. I haven't informed my parents about it yet and am not sure what they would say about it as we have quite a few plans coming up that involve me.

The whole reason of why I am considering moving out is because of the impossibility of being able to study. If I move into a apartment block with other students then I will have a higher chance of passing this time, my only main difficulty would be if I am able to afford to do that.

I am being encouraged by friends and family to be single and remain single, at the moment I barely ever hear from my boyfriend unless I contact him first, and he hasn't made any effort to come and see me, he says he is busy and everyone else reckons he's just not that interested. I am not sure what happened because at the start it was constant, he contacted me every now and then to ask how I am and check go see if I am okay. Now its just nothing, like I only exist when I make the effort to contact him. It's like he's forgotten I exist.

I have been advised to not contact him at all and to see if he would try to be in more contact with me, the way I  see it is, before he was trying to get me with him but now that he has me that effort is gone, I don't expect a lot; I just want to be at least spoken to every once and awhile, even just a hello how are you would be nice, but we will see.

Hope you're having a nice day/night where ever you are.

Sould I Leave?

"Look at sensible Emma"
they say to my closed door
as I sit here with my
arms stinging from fresh cuts.

If only they knew the truth

of the agony I hold in my mind

the anger and the hurt.

Nails into the top

knife into the bottom

six months clean I was

my mind got the better of me.

I hate feeling like this

I hate being like this

the stinging is making me ill

yet I tell no one.

No one notices

or even bothers to ask

I didn't realise how good I was

at hiding all my pain

unless no one cares enough

I know I am loved

I know I am wanted

but all I can think about

Is how I feel like I am not family

I feel like I don't belong here.

I literally imagined myself

dying today and wondered

how long people would notice I'm gone

they would be annoyed

that nothing has been done

then feel guilty later.

Can I destroy my family

and friends like that though?

I don't think I could do it

I'd go right into shock.

How many people

would call me selfish?

How many would not understand?

That life simply wasn't good enough

to keep this Magpie breathing.

I just feel so alone.

15/02/2018

Third Tattoo Idea, Back to Study and Family Reunion

After careful thought I decided to possibly get a  Water Colour Cherry Blossom Tattoo to cover the scars on my arm, to represent that hurt, emptiness and hate can turn into something beautiful.
After doing further research about it I found out: the significance of the cherry blossom tree in Japanese Culture goes back hundreds of years. In their country, the cherry blossom represents the fragility and the beauty of life. It is a reminder that life is almost overwhelmingly beautiful but that it's also tragically short.
Which convinces me even more that it's the perfect tattoo to get.
Although the cost of it is almost enough to put me off, a total of $700.

I almost didn't get a chance to continue doing the Bachelor but luckily I got accepted back in yesterday.

Mr Philip Pullman has released The Book of Dust Part One, love being back in the His Dark Materials universe and learning more about the Alethiometer and Dust of course. Brings back memories when they had a website where you could play around with the Alethiometer and find out your daemon. Mine was a Snow Leopard called Calanon.

Next weekend it's our family reunion down in the South Island which should be exciting, it's the second family reunion I've ever been too. The first one was part of my mums family the Parr Family and that was interesting as we got a chance to visit one of the houses the Parr's lived in.
This time it's my Step Dads family the Reynish Family on my dads birthday which should be cool as they have a bunch of different events one that we have a opportunity to try.

Anyways, hope you have a good day, evening, night. Wherever you are :)

Taylor Swift Poem from Vogue

The Trick to Holding On

Let go of the ones who hurt you
Let go of the ones you outgrow
Let go of the words they hurl your way
as you’re walking out the door
The only thing cut and dry
In this hedge-maze life
Is the fact that their words will cut
but your tears will dry

They don’t tell you this when you are young
You can’t hold on to everything
Can’t show up for everyone
You pick your poison
Or your cure
Phone numbers you know by heart
And the ones you don’t answer any more

Hold on to the faint recognition in
the eye of a stranger
As it catches you in its lustrous net
How quickly we become intertwined
How wonderful it is to forget
All the times your intuition failed you
But it hasn’t killed you yet
Hold on to childlike whims and moonlight
swims and your blazing self-respect

And if you drive the roads of this town
Ones you’ve gone down so many times before
Flashback to all the times
Life nearly ran you off the road
But tonight your hand is steady
Suddenly you’ll know
The trick to holding on
Was all that letting go

Taylor Swift

Back to Study

I was so close to not wanting to go back to study again, I almost cancelled my studylink application for my student loan but luckily I re read the letter I got and sent the email that will hopefully get me reconsidered.
I still don't know how I am going to be able to complete my course when I apparently only need two hours a day to do a reading, take notes and do a assignment. But apparently it is possible. 
I've been finding it so hard lately not to go back to cutting, it seems that it doesn't seem to matter how happy I am I still feel so empty and alone. I feel like there is something missing in my life; I just don't know what it is.
I wish it was easier to be happy.

I hope who ever is reading this no matter where you are, that you are happy.