I was sitting there the day after my party and yesterday surrounded by people who love me and yet I felt and still feel so alone in life that I want to die.
I know why I shouldn't, I've made promises to people that I wouldn't but feel so stuck and lost in life that I just want it all to end. I just want to wake up and be happy just once. I can't even talk about why I'm sad without crying, can't explain what would make it better without feeling like I'm drowning. I just want it all to end.
I swear guys just love to stress us the hell out and annoy us. They see us finally happy and peaceful and throw something at us to make us stress or they see we're at breaking point and throw More at us. I swear to be happy I should just be alone.
It's hard finding release in ways that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol. In saying that I haven't had alcohol for quite a long time and I haven't done drugs since late last year. To be honest I liked the way it made me feel: completely relaxed.
On a way more positive note I'm officially going to see Taylor Swift next year in Sydney, Australia and I can't wait. I'm going with an old friend of mine from my previous job.
I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job. They have known my limitations from the start with my hearing impairment and my slight blindness but recently over the past couple of months they have been suddenly telling me that I'm too disabled to do things. I have been trained to do a number of things at work which I know I do well as my colleagues quite often happily tell me so in thanks. Just recently though I'm suddenly too disabled to do anything and constantly get yelled at or in trouble and it's really getting to me.
Edit: I actually quit last week, need a serious mental health reset as I was very close to attempting suicide or allowing myself to be hit by a truck. One of the reasons I was starting to get bad anxiety just walking to work a truck driver gave me the finger and swerved to try and hit me (I've been hit by cars before) and after that, I was having trouble breathing in the morning just from the thought of having to avoid a truck. Going to fight new challenges but at least I won't be given reasons the voice in my head is correct to want me to die.
My mental state at the moment has just been complete hell. The amount of times I'd just daze out while picturing myself hurting myself with anything I can find but I've made promises to people to never end my life. Even more so now I know someone else's life is in the hands of mine.
