Loving Work

 I have been loving work so far, it's hard and sometimes painful but the work environment is great. Everyone is very nice and friendly, there's a family feel environment there. I've been given the nickname at work "Baby Spice" the same name as Emma from the Spice Girls. I've already been spoken to about either going on a Full-Time Contract or on a Part-Time Contract in January once I've been working there for six months. Quite a few times we are up at midnight for a load in then back again later that day. I'm going to talk to the other half about Contract details on where we're seeing ourselves in the future but hopefully it will all work out.

Work

 Finally got a proper job since 2017/2018 and I'm so proud of myself. Usually my anxiety gets the better of me and I don't follow up on employers after they say "we're looking for people, please give us your CV" or I just never hear a word. Down here there's very limited work you can do when you can't drive as most places want or require drivers licenses. It's my first ever Factory job and is hard work but I'm loving it so far. First shift was at 2am in the morning, I'm now covered in bruises from the shift but it was so worth it. My body is definitely feeling the toll but it's getting a good workout now that I failed to give before. Nothing like good manual labour. 

One of the Crays got a puncture on the 2am shift so I got to take it home. Bring on the rest of 2021 I can't wait.

     

Good Samaritan

 It's amazing how much of a confidence boost just helping people creates, just the smallest thing to make someone smile boosts the whole mood to smiling for the rest of the day. Even creating a small change to the immediate environment like changing rooms or simply changing the template or colour layout of your phone or pc can make you happy. I use to and sometimes still do, have to make a change in my life every 6/8 weeks or so whether it's getting a new piercing, getting a tattoo or simply changing the colour of my hair. It's like I need a change that doesn't cause a panic cause of how drastic it is or life changing. Just a simple little thing like a snip of the split ends that ends up going from below the shoulder to above the shoulder, if only my body was so easy to change.

Writing Blog

 I have recently posted a new story on my Wattpad that I'm proud of to hopefully become a series but I'm happy if it just becomes a novel. It's just the start but please feel free to tell me what you think. 

 The God Bearer - The Gathering - Wattpad

What the Plot?! Writing prompt

I got this game from teespring made by a tumblr user @whattheplot.

 A couple of elves called Aleksi and Nikko walked into The Crow Bar, they had just been to visit a elf kingdom in the Maldare Caves to negotiate a new trading agreement. They sat at the bar and ordered a Lakka and a Sima. Aleksi took a swig and shook his head. "I don't like how that went Nikko, it could've gone a lot better if only we .." Nikko hit Alekso on the back after downing his drink in one go "you worry too much Ali, it couldn't have gone any better" Aleksi who was mopping up the drink spilt when Nikko hit him paused and frowned at Nikko "they ripped up the treaty and declared war!" Nikko shook his head "makes space for a new treaty agreement" Aleksi skulled the rest of his drink "no war is war not treaty negotiations, you're being too optimistic" Nikko stood up "and you're being too serious, we have a army we'll be fine" Aleski stood up too "a army that has retired and hasn't been needed since the treaty was written" Nikko ordered another drink "change is a good thing, this war will be good for us" Aleski picked up Nikko's drink and threw it at his face. Nikko roared in anger and tackled Aleski to the ground "I should've left without you, you dumb republican!" Nikko growled "you need to calm down, it's just a negotiation!" The bar owner and another customer kicked the two elves out of the bar. Aleski stood up "you can't negotiate while on a battlefield, we're going to be fired" Nikko spat out his tooth that was knocked out "they're just mad they need sex education that's all" Aleksi shook his head speechless "we were there for trading negotiations not to tell the head of their kingdom they need sexual education!" Nikko unclenched his butt checks and shrugged "my bad".

Writing Challenge - Fantasy

The little girl Katie gave the older girl a pine cone, “be careful with this, when you hold it you can talk to fairies” to the older girls amazement small figures started to cautiously come out of the doors in the tree trunks the older girl was unable to see before. There were hundreds of them. The family had lived on the farm for hundreds of years but never knew in their backyard they had a fairy kingdom. There were fairies for wishes, fairies who gathered food and a fairy who gathered teeth. Every fairy in the kingdom had a role, their main roles was to bring in the seasons; their second role to serve their Queen. The fairies had now surrounded both Katie and the older girl bowing. “Who are they bowing too?” Asked the older girl. Katie beamed with joy “to me, I’m their Queen and this is my kingdom”. The older girl saw that Katie had wings, she really was Queen of the fairies and this was her kingdom. Katie was a descendant of many fairy Queens before her, the roll was passed down from parent to child. Katie’s older sister Amy ruled her own kingdom respectively. Katie had magical powers as Queen of the fairies, she had the ability to allow people to see the fairies and could control magic. Katie leaned forward “shh it’s a secret don’t tell the adults, they don’t believe in magic” . Katie took the magic pine cone from the older girl and happily skipped to the house for breakfast. As the older girls hands let go of the pine cone all the fairies disappeared as did Katie’s wings as if it was all a young child’s imagination. 

One Year Clean

I've officially for the first time in my life since I started cutting when I was 15 have reached One Year Clean. I never thought I'd ever reach this milestone ever and all it took was a change of environment, a strong support team and determination to not cut again. I promised my partner I'll never hurt myself in any form again in my life and am so proud of achieving this. I want to do a small celebration of finally reaching this milestone but I'm not sure how to celebrate it yet. I was thinking of getting one of the tattoos I designed myself but I'm not sure as of yet. If you're stuggling and don't see yourself recovering any time soon, you've got this, you can do it, you can do anything you put your mind to.

Small Poem I Wrote While Alone on Solo At Outward Bound

Twinkling lights in the sky at night, twinkling lights on the sea at light, bugs and insects sing all day and night, the songbirds in the morning was my delight, the ocean waves crash the rocks gently down below, birds come to visit to see what's to steal, flies buzz by and annoy you the most, the wind blows constantly through the trees up above, the lyrics "those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry, I'm setting off, but not without my muse no not without you" as you think about your other half.

Outward Bound - Anakiwa 8 day Activate Course

Day One - Wednesday 3rd February 2021 We travelled by ferry from the Piction ferry terminal to Anakiwa. Our first activities were to organise two Speakers and two songs for the Mihi Whakatau. After the Mihi Whakatau the floor was opened and we had a few speakers, we were then encouraged to go around to the main courtyard of Anakiwa and have water and food. When we were all done everyone including all the Instructors and Support Workers stood in a circle and our names were called as we were put into groups, all the other groups either ran or jogged to areas to do a introductory cluster, our group was called out last. I was part of the Activate group Sheppard Watch 674, all of my watch mates are disabled in one way or the other. We all had a meeting as a Watch where we spoke about our vulnerbilities with eachother and spoke about our struggles in life; there were a lot of tears and relatable stories. We went to bed at 9.30pmish.

Day Two - Thursday 4th February 2021 Today we got up at 5am to get ready to PT (warm up exercise and run). I managed to run some of the way but annoyingly forgot my drink bottle and got a very dry throat, I made it up to the second wharf over the hill. After breakfast we went and watched a video about vulnerbility and had to all say out loud "I am Enough". We learnt to do two different knots with the rope. After knots we as a Watch went and had lunch together and had a trust rope exercise where we had to work as a team to get everyone to go under/over/through a rope tied between two flag poles. At first we all tried to do it individually at the same time then actually started working together as a team. When we had completed the rope task we had a activity where we had to build a raft together and paddle the raft to another beach then take it back. We all worked very well together using the new knots we had just learnt. All of us managed to climb onto the raft and paddle it to the other beach although one of the barrels we used kept rolling so one of us fell off twice. We decided to push and pull the raft back on the water with a couple of group members on the raft. We had to pull it apart and put all the equipment away but we were so proud to make a raft that didn't fall apart and mainly kept us dry. Day Three - Friday 5th February 2021 Today I walked the exercise route in the morning and got further than yesterday, I walked with one of my watch mates. Today we paddled out on a waka out in the Sounds. The view was amazing. My arms are now sore but it was so worth it. My legs have been sore all day due to doing 30 squats this morning but it's worth it all. We ended up having lunch at Mistletoe Bay and I was in charge of boiling the water so we could have hot chocolate and coffee. It was defianatly a fun time for everyone. The waka was cool, I didn't expect us to paddle out as far as we did. I was surprised at how fast we managed to go as well. I most likely got sunburnt even though I put sunblock on. We're on kitchen duty tonight which will be interesting, it gets loud and I'm not sure how well I'd do. I didn't sleep much at all last night. it didn't matter if I was on my side, back or stomach, every movement hurt. Day Four - Saturday 6th February 2021 Today we did high ropes, it was great that we all get along so well. We all helped each other out. We've had the filming crew from Attitude TV on TV One. I was surprised I was able to do them. We had to climb up a wobbly ladder then walk across a wire. After the wire we had to walk across a wooden beam, the wooden beam was when my leg started to shake but the group was awesome and helped me a lot. I almost cried if it wasn't for them. One rule at Outward Bound that helped a lot is to never give up but to only give in and try again, I love that they never let you quit. The best part of the high ropes was the zip line at the end of it. We all had to jump off the jetty afterwards, it was great. We watched a video after breakfast about our Reticular Activating System. It's part of the brain at the back that focuses on what we want to focus on (new sneakers, starts seeing sneakers everywhere - feeling sad about something and brain will focus on making you sad).

Day Five - Sunday 7th February 2021 We're off to sea! We found out last night that we're going onto a sail boat for three days then when we get back we're going home. We're not sure if during the three days we will be doing a Solo. I'm kinda nervous and excited about it. There was a little bit of a panic when at first we thought they meant we were packing everything and not coming back. It's two nights and three days, I can't wait to hear the sound of water against a boat again. Being on the boat was amazing, I learn't how to 'teal' the Jib sail. We were on the boat for over three hours and constantly went in circles on our way to Te Kainga where we will do our solo's. All of us had a amazing time on the boat and learnm't something new. By the time we get back I'll be able to sail my own small sail boat. Horey one of the instructors told me today I make a great leader I just need to have a louder voice. On our Solo's tomorrow we have to write letters to ourselves and to our Sponsers. Our letters to ourselves will be sent to us in six months time. I can't wait for tomorrow. I'm going to send my Sponser letter to Caroline back in Wellington as a thank you for encouraging and pushing me to come here and being there every step of the way. Day Six - Monday 8th February 2021 I woke up very early this morning and decided to look up at the sky, I'm so glad I did, the stars were amazing! I just wish I had a proper camera that was able to capture the complete beauty of the stars above. I woke up at the crack of dawn to the sound of song birds and to a amazing view of the sunrise; I managed to get a picture of the sunrise before my GoPro battery started to die. I ended up getting the highest point with a view of the ocean and I'm so glad I ended up spending the day here. It wasn't an entirely comfortable sleep as my shoulders are sore and my arms from sleeping on the ground. I'm glad no critters or other animals can to annoy me apart from mosquitos. I know there's wetas here but I haven't seen one yet. I just met my visitor from the night an oval brown bird that's not a kiwi said hi to me just now and explored my whole campsite. I unfortunately don't know what type of bird it is but it's super curious. I've completed all the tasks so all I have to do now is relax and enjoy the nature. It's so peaceful out here, the sound of the wind in the trees, the ocean, the crickets and cicadas and the songbirds. It's awesome that Outward Bound does this for us, rarely ever do you get the chance to be out in the bush with nothing but your thoughts. Next time I'll be camping like this I will have my other half with me and it will be amazing. Don't know if I'll be waking at dawn or waking later but knowing him it will be later. After tonight we're sailing back towards Anakiwa and spending our last night there before going home, I can't wait to hear my other half's voice again; I've missed it so much. I have so much to tell him and will want to see his face, I swear the more I'm away from him the more I love him. This was meant to be a strictly Outward Bound Journal and here I am towards the end talking about the love of my life cause he's all I can think about. I had a bit of a cry earlier, there's so much I wish I could tell Nana, she'd tell me how proud she is of me. I'm so surprised at how much I've achieved while here, I've needed this for years and wish I had came sooner but I am so glad I came when I did. I took a photo of the view during the day and can't wait to show Dad it, I think he would do great coming here. He would especually love doing solo here in the bush and can't wait to tell him and everyone all about it. I'm planning on buying both a t-shirt and a hoodie from Outward Bound to wear to the cards club to tell them all about it. It will be interesting to see if I start automatically waking up at dawn from now on, I know I will want a nice long sleep in but won't get one. I have a feeling Taylor may have released the live accoustic versions of Evermore or added more chapters to the Folkmore Story. I miss hearing music while here by the cliff with the view of the ocean and sounds surrounding us all I can hear in my head is "take me to the Lakes where the poets went to die, I don't belong and my beloved neither do you". From where I am I can hear and see when they're using the boats down at the wharf, it's quite peaceful to listen to. They purposely took our watches so that we didn't know what the time is while on our solo, I kinda have a idea on what time it might be judging on the position of the sun, I know now it's either late or early afternoon, judging on the fact that it's slowly starting to get cold I'm guessing it's around 4 - 5pm or maybe 5.30pm. I had everything done by around 10am I think. I ate my carrot for breakfast, an orange and apple for lunch and will have a apple for dinner. At least tomorrow morning there's breakfast. It's best to get ready for bed nowish before it get's dark then I won't be needing the torches unless I need to go toilet. I kinda feel bad that I told Horey that I needed a journal when I already had one but I wanted to keep my letters to myself and to my sponser seperate from my typical diary journal. The wind is defiantly starting to get cold even though the sun is out. I can't decide if I want to go home or if I want to stay, in reality I think I want my home to come here. I'm not the only one in the group who has pretty much fallen in love with this place. The only thing I definately won't miss from doing the solo is peeing and pooing in a bucket, the moment you do your first pee flies appear. Emptying those buckets is not going to be a fun job but at least I can't smell. The sleeping bags are very warm, I've been sleeping in thermals and haven't gotten cold so far. Can't believe we all go home soon, I swear I just arrived not long ago, time has just flown, hopefully time has flown for Sam too. Only downside of only having a applefor dinner is apples give me a upset stomach and now I have a upset stomach especually after eating two today. I'm basically ready for bed but it's too early to go to bed. I may have to rearrange how I'm sleeping cause I keep slipping a little down the slope. They said we may be visited by possums but I defiantley haven't seen one yet, that might change tonight though. I can't stop thinking about Sam, I miss him so much. The best thing about sleeping amongst the trees is I'm breathing so well, I keep nearly falling asleep but if I sleep now I'll get too hot and if I take off layers I'll wake up cold. As our gift from the watch we all decided to weave/breaid flax then combine them all. Everything I learnt here about mental health is going to help me reach 1 year and 6 months clean , I hope that's how I am when I read my letter, it's not just a promise to Sam but a promise to myself. Remembering the 'Compare out - Compare in' strategy will help and the RAS, I'm coming back a new person, a better person and hopefully I remain as that person. The sun is defiantly very slowly going down, there is no sun on my patch anymore and the wind is getting very cold. I think it's around the time yesterday we were having dinner and finding out about our solos. I wonder who will visit me tonight, hopefully not a weta, I wouldn't mind seeing that bird again. It is defiantly very cold now. I'm tempted to just hop in the sleeping bag for warmth. I should've brought my trackpants they would've been a lot warmer to wear right now. If the wind wasn't cold I would be very warm right now. Think I might just hop in the sleeping bag and see what time I wake up tomorrow, it will most defiantly be when the birds begin to sing but we'll see. I'm so glad I can't smell I swear I almost did when I tasted the air after opening the poo bucket.

Day Seven - Tuesday 9th February 2021 I got up and left the campsite before I was meant to, we were meant to wait to be fetched and I ended up helping Colin and Dave walk down the hill. At the bottom of the hill I found out that one of my watch mates Cam had blown his whistle at 4pm in the afternoon yesterday and I who was with the first aide kit was fast asleep and didn't hear the emergency whistle, Cam will not let me live it down. We had to walk all the way back up the hill to collect a bucket as a penalty for leaving the campsite too early. For breakfast we had burgers and baked beans on meat patties. On the way back to Anakiwa I taught Dave how to do the Jib sail and got a chance to be Captain and now know how to sail. When we got back we had to put all the equipment in the boat away and wash the boat down. For awhile I couldn't find where my day pack went and found it hours later in one of the containers we still had to emopty, everything in it was wet but that's okay. As a just got back from sailing away tradition we all had to jump off the jetty, because one of us wanted to jump off one of the pillars we all had to do it. Day Eight - Wednesday 10th February 2021 Today we got up for the last time at 5am to do PT and for the first time in the whole time we've been here we were early. Because we had pack up today we got to do a quick workout and did the run early. Today I actually completed the whole run, my lungs were on fire and I couldn't breathe properly but I'm so glad I actually completed it. The run/walk into the water was actually warm today to my surprise. After breakfast we were also first to assembly, after assembly we got a chance to buy stuff at the shop and I got a black hoodie, a green hoodie, a t-shirt, a drink bottle and two photos. We had a ceremony afterwards where we spoke about our group, our favourite memories, our achievements and presented ourselves with certificates. We were handed out badges and had to say why we deserved the badge, it was very emotional. We all got ready to have lunch then found out we had to go. We ended up having lunch on the boat and got everyones numbers and contact details. We had to all help each other off the boat then we all went home in seperate ways. Anywho this is the last entry of my amazing experience at Anakiwa where I got to meet seven new friends. Thank you Anakiwa/Outward Bound for helping me find myself.

Outward Bound

Tomorrow I'm off to Outward Bound in Anakiwa, New Zealand and I can't wait. I'm not entirely looking forward to getting up everyday at 6am but I am so looking forward to the activities I'm going to be doing. Alot of the outdoor activities we're doing I either haven't done before or haven't done since highschool. It's going to be hard to be away from my partner especually since we're not allowed to have our phones on us the entire time. I can't wait to spend eight days with other people like me and learn new things. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about sharing a dorm with complete strangers or how I feel about being up way too high while doing the high ropes, I know I'll have the time of my life but I'm scared of heights so it will defiantly be a challenge even though that's the point. I'm travelling back home for two weeks in April and can't wait to see everyone, I miss my family and friends and my partner. We're planning on taking my siblings with us to Rainbows End and we're going camping. I can't wait although we're struggling to find a place to stay as motels/hotels are super expensive. It will all work out though, I'm just glad I have something to look forward to. When I get back from Outward Bound it will officially be a year since I did self harm which is an achievement I have never reached since I started when I was 15, this is a huge deal for me and I can't wait to celebrate it.