Life

Life really is looking great at the moment, I've officially started working for BGT, Actors, Models, Talent. So I should hopefully be in more films and TV Shows.
I'm also volunteering for a school still as well as now at Spark Arena.

I actually went on Shortland Street last week, it was so much fun. I can't wait for the opportunity to go back again. Was defiantly a completely new experience as was volunteering at the New Zealand Breakers. I didn't get to see much of the game but it was a great experience all the same.

I obviously can't say much about what happened on the show or say anything about any other show or movie I may be on in the future but I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Armageddon 2019

Awesome year at Armageddon this year. 
Boiling hot as usual but so worth attending, got to meet Gregg Sulkin and have a whole conversation with him on Avalon High being filmed in New Zealand which was filmed around 10 years ago and he of course hasn't seen it in a while. Also found out that Jodelle Ferland is in Ravenclaw. 
I ended up getting a few Cross-stitches from the awesome Fangirl Stitches this year. I didn't buy as much as last year but I was satisfied with what I got and what I accomplished.
I really wanted to meet Jason Isaacs but a photo with both Gregg and Jodelle was the same price as the photo. Got to actually see him though while waiting in line for the photo with Gregg, also saw Inbar Lavi who I also wanted to meet but unfortunately couldn't. 
The usual two daleks were there of course as well as the axe throwing, assault rifles, and kids play area. 
If you want to escape the crowds for a bit I highly recommend the PlayStation play a game upstairs option. It is unfortunately boiling hot up there but its a great birds eye view of the place you get to play a game (obviously). 
I usually don't get autographs from the animation guests as I'm usually getting autographs from some of my favourite actors. 
Most of the time I don't recognise the names but find out later they were in shows I love. 
Not sure if I'll be able to go to Armageddon next year as one of my best friends and I are planning on going to Hawaii although it sounds like I will definitely have to renew my passport first as it is meant to expire two months after that.

Anywho hope your long weekend (if you had a long weekend) went great like mine did, even went to the Chelsea Sugar factory for a quick little tour yesterday.
I can't wait to be able to say I have been Ten Months clean of cutting next week. The next two/three months will be the hardest yet as I've never been able to say "I have been cut free for a year"; I can't wait to reach this milestone.

  

Poem Prompt - A Winter Evening Indoors

The cool breeze drifts in from the window

The stew is bubbling in the pot as the fire crackles

I’m wrapped in my blanket beside the fire

Reading my favourite book

The dog is curled up on the couch at my feet

I have a hot mug of coco beside me

Through the windows I can hear the crickets chirping away under the moon

Every now and then I can hear the owl hoot outside

Calling for its mate and a mouse to snack on

The condensation clings to the windows

Candles lit by the windows

It’s peaceful and quiet this winter night

Barely anything stirs

Slowly I fall asleep in the chair

Asleep on this winter evening indoors

E. Louise (c) 22/10/2019

Poem Prompt - First Love

Quite bright they were the first time I saw them

Different colours combined to look like magic

No matter what I will always look up to him

And that’s just because of the height

The moment I first saw him

All the stars aligned, he was the one

The one I’d been waiting for

He broke me in the end

But I’ll always remember the innocent smile

The moment our eyes met

The emotions were instant

Just like that I was in love

Just like that he owned my heart

I gave myself to him

Which I both regret and don’t

I waited all my life to be tossed aside and forgotten

He was my first love

And I love him still



E. Louise © 22/10/19

Armageddon 2019

Armageddon is this weekend and I can't wait. I have the opportunity to meet Jodelle Ferland (Twilight: Eclipse and Supernatural) and Gregg Sulkin (AvalonHigh and Wizards of Waverly Place).

I can't wait to meet them it's going to be awesome!
There's a really cool cross stitcher who created this company of fandom stitches which is so cool. 

Last year I had the awesome opportunity to meet Katie Leung. Some people say Armageddon is a waste of money but for me it's completely worth it. Besides this year might be the last one I get to attend if we all move away even if I decided to stay up here.

Does anyone remember a Saddle Club computer game called Willowbrook Stables? I'm dying to know if it would play on Windows 10, would be awesome if it did. 

I really should be starting on my assessment but I have no idea where to begin, every time I try I get a headache, I have apparently until April 2020(?) but it's so hard to get started on.  

Partially Clean

Why do I feel so unwanted 
in a place I feel at home?
Why don't they want me?
Can they hear the screams of self doubt?
It's been nine long months
Since I last put a blade to my wrist
she said he was my fault
my hurt was deserved
he didn't even care
he said I was too fat
all the thoughts are still with me
the ones I use to cut to
but here I am still clean
please last a lifetime
I never want to go through that shame again
I have a blade in my room
I use it for art and parcels
never would I imagine
I wouldn't think of cutting
I'm not happy
I'm not fully clean
But I haven't cut for nine months
and that's all that matters right now.

(c) E. Louise 17/10/2019

Changes in Life

Found out my life might completely change next year as we might be moving house.
This isn't the first time or even the last time I'd be moving house of course but it's the first time I may be moving out of Auckland.

The property itself looks great though, it's an actual farm and has a bigger kitchen than ours and it's basically my parents dream retirement plan. 

It gives me a lot more opportunities I didn't have before though which is good. The only problem I have is the whole can't drive thing, I'd be able to drive on the actual farm but of course I never can legally. 

I can see us being very happy there, lonely a little but happy. It has always been my dream to live on a farm so in a way I am kinda excited about it, I could even end up having the one thing I've wanted my entire life. That of course is a horse. 

There's a stream surrounding it so I could see myself getting a kayak and kayaking in the stream. There's also a pool and a full running berry farm as well as a possible Airbnb. 

I'm kind of nervous about this possibility as I don't like change but I'm also quite excited about all the possibilities this could hold.

Armageddon is next week and I can't wait, I really want to meet Gregg Sulkin and Jodelle Ferland. Hopefully I'll be able to try a lot more things this year, now that I have a proper P.C I can also do more and get P.C games now.

Anywho hope your day or night goes well where ever you may be.

Poem Prompt - Heartbreak

Shock rocks through me like shattered ice

It hasn’t sank in yet

My throat is beating with my heart

The pain pulsing from my chest through my body

While feeling nothing at all

This can’t be happening, it’s not real

A nightmare that won’t wake me

Knives get thrown from both directions 

All fly like a boomerang repeatedly hitting as they all fly back

Cheeks turn warm as the body shakes 

Violent sobs tumble out as complete control is lost

I feel alive and dead inside all at once

As the reality hits me

Warm fur touches my skin and I feel it purr, the dogs tongue touches my face willing the sadness gone

I’m all alone but not alone and my mind is about to explode 

The only escape is in the blade as shame now washes in

This was my first heartbreak, let the casualties begin.

E. Louise (c) 13/10/2019

Poem Prompt - You Are Not Alone If

You’re Not Alone If

The tears glisten off the checks, eyes red

I feel so alone except for in my head

This is the worst I have ever felt

The lines on my arms stained red

I walk alone on a sunny lane

The trees wave gently in the breeze

A shadow walks beside me as I explore

The birds sing above me

I sit in my bed deep in thought

Wonderous visions filling my head

Each page turns to another adventure

A million places I visit not moving

I sit at the table surrounded by friends

They ask me how I am

I tell them I’m fine

I am not alone but why do I feel so lonely?

E Louise © 7/10/2019

Poem Prompt - The Mountains I've Climbed

The Mountains I’ve Climbed

So jiggered and high they are, the mountains I’ve climbed

The day I was born was when they first formed

Way up there the air was so thin

The lack of oxygen made me choke that I broke and had a stroke.

The path on the mountain is loose gravel

I’ve threaded carefully and still fallen

The sturdier the shoes the slower I fall

The less prepared the further I go.

I approach another every two years

Is this a pattern I’ve found?

Does another challenge welcome me as I conquer the mount?

This valley goes onwards, there is no way out.

Death and pain meet me as I reach each peak

Each one hurts me differently than the one behind me

The scars tell my story as I fight to continue

Can this strength keep me going as a mountain draws near?

Memories echo around me as they bounce off the cliffs

Although pain always surrounds me, I have found myself peace

The views are beautiful here way up high

The air is dense, but I breathe so freely as the wind hits my skin

As the animals here have adapted long ago

As do I however far I go

I feel at home here with my daemon soul

We are equal, we are one

And I never fight alone.

© E. Louise 5/10/19

Poetry Prompt - The Masks I Wear

The Masks I Wear

The masks I wear hide my despair of emotions I cannot fathom

From scene to scene I cannot seem to swap my masks around fast enough

The fake smile is getting thin and I can’t use it no longer

There seems to be a frown underneath a glimpse of my true emotion

Tear stained eye holes not cleaned away fast enough to stop the emotion sinking

The muffled sounds of laughter that gasp into sobs at night

The mask is finally broken and can’t be worn no more

The gentle beat joined by gentle words slowly turn the tears into a smile

Now I’m home the masks come off at least until tomorrow.

E. Louise 5/6/2019

Staying Strong

Can't believe I've almost completed my eighth month being completely clean from cutting. I don't even get the same need I use to get that drove me to continue cutting. I use to have to trace my cross tattoo whenever I felt like slicing my arm but now to my surprise I don't even need to do that. I do still find myself self consciously making the cut motions on my arms whenever I feel the need to touch something.

I'm hoping when I stop having things/events in my life to look forward to I will still feel this way.

Poem Challenge

Crystallised ice matched my heart in a shiver

The shaking blends with my heartbeat as cold as the season

Steam rolls off the street as I stir and taste my hot chocolate

The heat rolls down my throat and boils my body melting my icy heart

Slowly I peel my scarf off me as the warmth melts away the cold within

Clean

It's been awhile.

The main thing I have learnt since the last time I was on here is I most definitely do not need a guy to be happy. I happily haven't cut for Eight Months which is a big achievement for me.

I am absolutely loving being a Volunteering Teacher Aide, the kids are great.

I really should continue with my poetry, thing is I haven't been needing it to stop myself from cutting which I didn't even think was possible.

Although I do kinda miss the feeling of being loved by someone I'm glad I've learnt that I can be happy by myself.

I might be going to Hawaii next year with my best friend as a joint birthday thing which should be awesome, I can't wait when it's official and the actual planning starts.

Anywho, I hope your day, night, evening or morning is going well for you.

Arataki

Went on a school trip today to learn about the Kauri illness with the awesome kids I work with.

Definitely had a great time.

MSRS

You’re toxic and emotional 

If you wanted to stay close

You shouldn’t have been so criminal

Yet my love for you is still strong

I want to be over it, please prove me wrong

My love for you is complicated 

But oh it’s still strong for you

You make me so angry and happy all at the same time

I want you in my life forever 

As well as never getting back together 

You’re so frustrating to know

But my life would be bland without you in it

I still think we’re the perfect two

But I think I can live without you

Everything is so confusing 

I wish all the bad had never happened 

I wish it was like heaven every time we spoke instead of how it is after we broke.

E. Louise (c) 14/6/2019

Bach Holiday and Taylor!

Spent the last week at my best friends Bach going to the beach and riding JetSki’s. It’s been so much fun although I haven’t been getting the best sleep. I could happily live on a JetSki if I could. 

Taylor’s new single ME! Came out today, it’s awesoME! Check it out if you haven’t, it’s quite catchy; Brandon Urie from PANIC! At the Disco is featured on it and it’s such a fun dancing song. 

Photos

Life

There's so much I want to do in life, it's like I feel that I no time at all even though I have all the time in the world.
I have hit a solid brick wall with my writing which is disappointing, but am working on my fitness. I just have to decide on my future career path. Family feel I'd do good as a Teacher Aide or Support Worker, what I really want to do though is Journalism, I really want to be a Journalist and a writer but unfortunately everything costs money and everything takes time.

Delivering newspapers is both a relaxing and a frustrating job to do, it's so peaceful being out there on the street when everyone is at work as it's so quiet on the side streets, on the downside though I can't believe how heavy newspapers can actually be. It gets so frustrating trying to pull a wagon without any brakes up steep hills, it's amazing how many hills there are that you don't notice is actually a hill until you try to stop a wagon on it. I feel like quitting every single Thursday out of frustration because of it but the elderly and baby bloomer generation thanking me for their newspaper is the main thing that keeps me delivering.   

Lonley Yet Not Alone

It's odd when someone you use to talk to everyday about everything in your life is no longer in your life.
I've been feeling so lost and lonely lately, I didn't realise just how much the friendship of this one person actually meant to me.
Even though they were so toxic and controlling and hurt me many times I still valued their friendship and now that it's officially over it's like there's a big gap in my life that they use to fill.
You never expect or imagine something that often made you happy and feel less alone would turn so ugly after one significant thing to the point that you question if there was even a point to it all.
What was the reason they were introduced to your life in the first place? What was the lesion? Was there even a point? Was it some sick joke to feel that you've finally found everything you've ever wanted only for them to become everything you should never have? Would the happiness have been better if they had never been introduced or would they have found no happiness at all?

I feel no love for anyone (apart from friends and family of course) but it's like it's just walked out the door and that's it, never coming back. For now anyway.

Green Thumb

My green thumb isn't very green.
Every plant I'm given sadly slowly dies.
It's not because I don't water it.
I water them as I'm told.
But slowly they die anyway.
Even my most successful plant.
A bamboo from my father.
I've had it since 2014 and only now
has it slowly started to die
I think it gets too much sun
or it's the water
but slowly it's turning yellow
and soon may be no more.

E. Louise 10/02/2019

Writing Challenge - Geography

United Kingdom

I've been wanting to go to the United Kingdom for years.

I love the history around both England and Scotland, especially around the Royal Family.

I also have a interest in England, Scotland and Wales because that's where my family is from.

I have always been interested in my family history and ever since I was little; Scotland.

I love the countryside and the historic look, music, kilt history and Gaelic language.

I also love their accents.

I really want to go to Buckingham Palace, London Eye, Big Ben, Edinburgh, Loch Ness and everything to do with Harry Potter.

I do want to visit all the theme parks that are in all three countries if I can.

At one point in my life I wanted to live in Scotland, I was so in love with the country and I haven't even been there yet.

When I do eventually go I can't wait to fall in love with it even more.

Ode to Strangers

Don’t stare at me as I walk on by

Don’t judge a person you do not know

Your wolf whistle doesn’t turn me on

Your snide remarks just affect me later

You don’t know what’s going on in my mind

My smile is genuine, so are my manners

If I walk into you, I’m so sorry I can’t see

If I didn’t hear you, I’m so sorry I can’t hear

When you say hello I do say hi back

My voice gets stuck in my throat when I need it most

I try to help if someone else helps first

I find it so hard to say “no” to your schemes

So I just shake my head and hope you don’t follow 

I feel the stares even though no ones there

I hear the whispers even though they’re not about me

I try my best to be socialable but you’re just so slow

If you just walked a little bit faster

I’m not in a rush I just want to go home

I just hate all the thoughts and judgmental stares

That are all in my head and caused by none other than me

E. Louise (c) 4/2/2019

Magic

Deep in the wilderness there was a flaming torch.

Those who possessed it were in control of a impossible magic that made everything you ever thought inpossible happen.

Incredible things did indeed happen while I had it in my possession.

I had always dreamed of flying and there I was viewing the world as I had always wanted. 

I was terrified at first but the adrenaline rush overtook me, I never wanted to land.

I’ve always wanted to travel the world but like everything in life travelling costs money. 

Here I was able to teleport to anywhere I wanted, I visited every country on my list for free. I always had enough money on me as it was now possible with the torch.

I almost lost it once, I was having so much fun I almost didn’t notice someone trying to steal it.

Before I returned this amazing torch to its original resting place in the wilderness I asked for one more thing.

To be everything I ever wanted to be.

I could hear properly without the need of my hearing aids, my affects from the stroke were cured; I could see.

I still needed glasses as that was of course part of my genes but I could see enough to finally legally drive.

I could join the airforce; I could spend days at sea on a sail ship, I could live overseas as a nanny and drive where ever I wanted. 

I finally felt free.

Book Inspired

Destiny isn’t always what you expect,

But sometimes you just know and it all makes sense.

Tragedy could become the beginning of something completely out of this world and extraordinary.

Religion and war are scattered throughout history,

In pain and suffering there is room for love and happiness.

The truth can be easy to read on your path to your destination but hard to find after success.

True love is sacrificing your happiness for others so they don’t spend the rest of their existence in nothingness.

Missing You

I still remember the first day I met you.

We met through mutual friends.

My best friends friend had a boyfriend in your class.

I don’t know why you tagged along, but you did.

I remember you teasing me about my height as three of us went to full up our drinks.

I don’t know why but that first day I met you was the first day you entered my mind and you haven’t left it since.

Miscommunication pulled us apart after three short weeks that felt like forever.

I fell in love with you then and I’m still in love with you now.

All I wanted was a second chance, four/five years later I got what I wanted. 

I knew it wouldn’t last forever as it never does, but I was getting what I wanted. 

The only real danger and mistake I feel I made was after it was all over I’m still in love with you. 

You’re on my mind now more than you’ve ever been before.

I don’t hate you, I love and miss you too much to do that.

I just hate that I love you so much that it hurts that you’re not mine.

That I’m not good enough for you, my love isn’t enough.

I’m not the perfect model looking girl that you so proudly want to show off.

And I can’t wait for the day I forget you.

E.Louise  (c) 

A New Year

A lot has happened since I last posted. Even though there were a lot of things to be happy about I was often sad.

The Reputation Stadium Tour was Amazing as Taylor always is, our surprise song was Out Of The Woods as Taylor filmed the music video here and therefore the song now reminds her of us. 

It rained pretty much the entire show and was freezing cold but I still had no voice at the end of the night from all the singing at the top of my lungs. 

CharliXOX and The Broods were pretty cool too, it’s a shame we didn’t get Camilla though. 

Before the show started while waiting in-line a older guy who found me later before the show started and walked around with me. He offered a ride to my dads but I kindly refused, even though he seemed nice and was being polite I was still alone and he was a stranger. 

I ended up getting the emerald snake ring and Tour patch and luckily got the first train out of the station to where my dad was meeting me even though I got lost. 

There were signs pointing which way to go but one was pointing in the wrong direction and I originally started going that way instead; if I didn’t use google maps I would have let my anxiety get to me more and started crying, was very close to it though. 

Apart from that it was a awesome night.

I was meant to go down to Blenheim with my parents but ended staying home so my sister who’s working isn’t alone the whole time although it’s just made me feel even more lonely as I’m alone 90% of the time. I spent Christmas Day with my family on the farm which was peaceful and nice and then spent Boxing Day with my dad.

Taylor’s Reputation Stadium Tour Movie cane out of Netflix on New Years Eve which is awesome, I showed one of my best friends it and she loves Taylor more now, when I watched it myself though I was crying happy tears the whole time.

The best thing about 2019 so far is I finally got a job, it’s delivering newspapers but it’s Still a job. I’m basically getting paid to get fit. Only things I know of that I have to look forward to in 2019 so far is the possibility of Taylor releasing her seventh studio album, Avril releasing a new album, Selena possibly releasing a new album and seeing Michael McIntyre live in June. 

A lot of people do these New Years Resolutions thing which I usually don’t do but this year with the help of my work will be getting fit and staying single all year. That may seem like a odd one but looking back I have been in a relationship whether it was short or long since 2013.

I want to make 2019 my year, that I focus on me. I suffer from loneliness, anxiety and depression but I’m going to prove to myself I don’t need a romantic relationship with anyone to dismiss these, I will always have my relationships with my friends and family. 

Hope your 2019 is a great year!